Velveteen Equations

I hate goodbyes.

2008-05-05T22:38:00.005-05:00

I wake up in the morning. I feel like something's not quite right. Then I realize...it's quiet. No birds, but also no sounds of construction, no loud yells across the parking lot, nothing. It makes my heart catch in my throat. I can feel things coming to a quiet denouement. I have no words, although there's a lot of things that should be said that will be left unsaid anyway. I...I really am sorry for that. When it came down to it, I just...

I couldn't. I said goodbye like I always do, like I'll be here next time, when I know I won't. My 'next time' will be a long time from now...if it ever comes. I know myself, so just take my word for it...no matter what, even if you can't see me or hear from me, I haven't forgotten you. I couldn't. I won't. I swear it.

I feel like a lifetime has passed between my graduation from high school and now, approaching my college graduation a lot faster than I'd like. It's only been four years, but I feel like almost a completely different person. A lot of things have happened...

Love, heartbreak.

Thankfulness, regret.

A spike in self-confidence and decisiveness...and a growing fear of the unknown.

Things I've learned:

You should have at least one thing you believe in no matter what. But there's also a lot of things you're probably mistaken about.

True good exists in this world- sometimes even in the places you thought were completely God-forsaken.

Both friends and family are precious things to have. Love them while they're still next to you, and even though you know they'll stick by you no matter what, don't take them for granted. We're all human.

There's a reason God made you the way you are- and if you would just stop listening to everyone else and just be that person, I guarantee that someone, somewhere will adore you just the way you are. Being able to really look yourself in the eye in the mirror in the morning and accept and love what's there...it's a nice feeling. More than ever now, I believe each of us has something that someone else just happens to be needing. Who knows, it may be the very thing you're hiding.

The older I get, the less things make sense, the harder things get...and yet, the more I want to live on, if only to see things through to the end.

Because honestly, if I had to do it all over again, I'd still go through all the tears and dark places if my reward was all the people who've touched me, the places I've seen, and the little things that have made me smile.

And that's why I keep getting up in the morning- even when it seems there's like nothing but clawing upwards for some time up ahead.

So goodbye, one part of life. Hello, scary-as-hell part 2- I'm not ready at all, but I'm not going to run away from you. To those who've I've spent time with here...thank you. I really did cherish the times we had together, and I won't forget the things you taught me, even if you weren't trying.

...I really hate goodbyes.

OMGNOWAISRSLY.

2008-04-15T20:40:00.003-05:00

Just cause I wanted that title.

And that picture.

...I'm realizing how much chatspeak I actually know. It's kinda sad. But the hamster makes everything better. (As far as I know, this isn't Photoshopped or anything- except for the bold text ridiculosity at the bottom, of course.

...Yes, I know ridiculosity isn't a word.

...Wait, yes it is. Cause I made it. So it's a word. Because I said so. Ahem, digressing...)

Obviously, I'm doing better now. For those of you who hung out with me and helped me out lately, honestly, thank you. It was hard to show it, but your prayers and kind words were comforting. You really helped me out.

I'm not gonna lie...

2008-03-30T21:05:00.002-05:00

I'm not in a good place right now. It's rough.

...I'm probably not as good or successful a person as you think I am. That nauseates me and breaks my heart all at once. I'm too worried about being a waste of space to even think about enjoying life right now. I know it's wrong. I know perfectly well it's a slap in the face to my Creator.

...But to be perfectly honest, I can feel a question bubbling up from the root of me, getting louder and louder and chipping away at me- Why was I born? Of course I know the Sunday School (and correct) answer- to praise God. If only that was all I had to worry about. But let's be honest- do you think that's going to mean anything to the bill collectors or people who see someone who's not doing anything with her life (dear God, I'd do anything to have it not come to that)? I have responsibilities. I know I do. I can't handle this. I feel myself unraveling. Every low point is worse than the one before it. I'm starting to scare myself. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to answer any more questions. But...it sucks being by myself, too.

...I...I really don't know what to do this time.

the sky far beyond my outstretched fingertips...

2008-03-17T18:19:00.002-05:00

Even though I grew up in a really small place and haven't gone outside the southeastern US besides that semester in Japan, I've felt really aware of the world around me lately. I feel like I've been talking too much about Japan lately too...sorry about that. I'm not sure why that place intrigues me so much. I think it's the politeness intertwined with the language, how easier it is to express emotion in Japanese, the offbeat humor...

...It's definitely not the food, I know that much. To be honest, to me, most of it is just okay or makes me go "eww...."

I'd really like to travel the world someday. I want to go to Europe, Australia, Peru, maybe South Africa...I think it'd be cool if I could say someday, "I've been to every continent." But seeing as how that would require a lot of money...that may not happen. But maybe I can go to one or two of those places before I die. I hope so.

I would like to learn more languages too- maybe dust off my Spanish, Arabic, French...Swahili, maybe? First, though, I want to get fluent in Japanese. I think it'd be nice to sit down with a person from a different culture and talk about our different lives in that person's native language. I want to be able to share stories without a language barrier- that's one of my lifetime goals, I believe.

I want a goal to work toward. I want to do my best, even if I sweat and bleed, to work towards something with all I have for something that I want with all my heart. Even if I never actually make it, if I see myself getting closer, won't that be fulfilling somehow...?

...I want to start cooking again. I want to learn new dishes and stand over a hot stove and proudly display the fruits of my labor. I kinda miss it.

I keep telling my sister I'll take her to Japan with me next time I go, and I'll translate. I think that would be fun. But I think I'd really just like to go to a foreign country with her someday...hopefully we'll have matured enough to not kill each other because we'd be spending so much time together.

Honestly...I really want to grow out of that.

You never stop learning....

2008-03-05T20:43:00.001-05:00

Today I learned a new chat acronym. I encourage everyone to pick it up.

GDIAF...go die in a fire.

Me likey.

This probably made a lot more sense in my head...

2008-03-04T00:14:00.003-05:00

Last night, I was with my friends. I thought about how much some of them had grown, and how I want to tell some of them how much they mean to me before I have to move on. I got that dopey, misty smile I hate. Also, I have never heard a car referred to as a metal...

Ah, yappari I can't say it. I just think of my poor mother reading this blog. Or my dad...

I woke up at...6 this morning. I didn't actually get out of bed until 7. I think...I would like to have a reason to want to jump out of bed and just get started like I used to. It's kind of sad.

When I wake up, I stay in bed and think about a TV show I saw the day before. I go over the funny or sweet parts in my head and smile. I think, "Oh, it would be nice if..." and things like that. I really don't want to leave that place, so I never really want to get out of bed. Between waking up and leaving the house, it takes anywhere from 2 to 4 hours, depending on how much I procrastinate, which is a lot lately. I think I'm really jittery about graduating and everything.

I have become obsessed with Japanese boy bands. Have I mentioned that? Cause it's probably worse now than it was before. Far worse. I really don't understand how I, who cringes every time she hears a sour note of any kind, can listen to often mediocre or close to tone-deaf singing all the time.

...Yes, I do. I totally sold out my musical dignity for pretty faces and shiny, flaily...I don't know what to call it. It's past metrosexual and like 2 feet from gay...although the fangirls want to believe otherwise. (Although...working with nothing but guys all the time...at least one of them's got to be...)

Those danged songs get stuck in your HEAD. Ask my sister. I showed her one performance once online, and by the time I left her house, she was singing the chorus.

Once is all it takes. I swear, if they could tweak their marketing strategy, Johnny's Entertainment could take over the world.

...That's kinda scary to me.

I played laser tag for Valentine's. It was a lot more fun than I thought it'd be...even though I suck. Laser tag is best when everyone's ridiculously hardcore.

When I think about my friends and family, I feel happy. I feel really blessed, and life doesn't seem so scary anymore.

I'm really frustrated about my future. I seem to have no drive. I feel as though the thing I want the most is impossible, but it's all that I can see. I wonder if I've already given up...at least partially.

I got really sad when I found myself at the end of a dream. I sat on the floor and cried. Then I kept crying on and off for days. But now, I'm at peace with it. I think I'm the happiest I've been since that dream began, because it tore me up inside. I don't regret it, though. I think having that experience made me a stronger person.

Last night, I burst out laughing at SNS. I tried to hold it in. ...To tell you the truth, that was really embarrassing for me.

There's a person that I really look up to. He's always working hard, and just when I think I know his limits, he pushes them even further. When I look at him, I think, "Surely if I could be that dedicated, then..." I'd like to always be suprising people too.

I keep sleeping weird. I'll wake up, and my hip'll be really sore, like I wrenched it out of place. Maybe I should stop sleeping on my side...but it's never given me problems before.

Ah, well...not like I want to get out of bed anyways.

Life is short.

2008-01-22T21:23:00.000-05:00

Far too short for...

regrets.

grudges.

hiding yourself away.

for...not living.

Yeah...not dead.

2008-01-21T19:04:00.000-05:00

Left my phone in my professor's office Friday.

Sunday I get a frantic email from my mother and my sister comes to see if I've finally drowned in the pre-weekend mess my room tends to get into.

...Or harmed myself, because apparently I sounded sad on the last entry.

Yeah...kinda glad I never published that entry after that about being forced to see the office psychologist last check-up. ...I don't want to even talk about that fiasco. Ahem...let's just say I had to explain to the lady that depression and PMS are two very different things. I stopped taking her seriously when at one point in our conversation, she looked taken aback, peered at me, and said in a stage whisper of almost comical awe, "You like white folks' music?"

I swear...even now I have no words.

Letters from a Past Self, Pt. 1

2007-12-16T23:17:00.000-05:00

Over the past few days, I've dusted off two things documenting my high school days- my senior memory book and my old prayer book.

I've been back to my old high school a few times, but I haven't looked at my senior book since I've gotten to college. I feel no ties to that place. My book was meticulously put together, filled with pictures of me and my time there, meant to be passed around so people could autograph it, since we never did get yearbooks. (I'm not even getting into that whole fiasco...) There's a picture of me as Miss LCHS (it wasn't that big a deal, frankly. It was me and one other girl running), standing awkwardly and holding a bouquet of yellow roses, half-smiling. I mean, heck, I supposedly still half liked taking pictures back then, but you sure couldn't tell from that picture... There are pictures of me as a chatty baby and a lively kid. My eyes are still bright and full of hope. In later pictures, you can tell I'm afraid to smile. In some, I pose dramatically, and you can tell I have something to prove. Pages I've written in reveal a girl who makes me cringe at how awkward and often corny she is (yes, I'm aware I'm still awkward and corny, but this is a higher plane of awkward and corny), but she's fighting- she's let everyone else decide what she likes for a couple of years, and for the past four years, she's been on a mission- now she's just going to be herself. And in all that effort, every once in a while, there's a glimmer of creativity or maturity...and I smile. There's a whole diatribe on how much I hate it when people mispronounce my name or attempt to give me nicknames (I don't really care much about that now...except when people do it to expressly screw with me). There's pictures from my brief stint in Drama Club (I was Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz- pigtails and all).

And then there are the autographs. There's not that many- I was too scared to ask too many people to sign them. Ironically, I only keep up with one of these people anymore, even though some of them go to USC too. I can't even associate some names with faces, and my willful forgetting scares me a little. I used to joke how everyone said the same thing- "nice and smart". I think if I were to ask people to autograph a book for me today, it'd be pretty much the same thing. Well...there are worse things you could be called. Some things are really kind- what comes up a lot is that I didn't change to fit in, which makes me happy. I don't like to think about high school. I didn't really trust people after the crappy time I'd had in junior high, and I felt like I was always defending the things I liked, the way I was...even though it wasn't always like that. Looking back on it, I realize that my time there had an impact, even if it was just a small one, on at least one person, and I feel like I shouldn't just forget it all.

I've changed a lot these past few years at USC. But...looking at this made me realize in the end, I'm more similar to my seventeen-year-old self than I'd like to admit. If I were to be completely honest with myself, I still don't trust people the way I should. It's not like I've suddenly become secure in the stranger things I like- I've just given up trying to explain them or share them with people. I'll just brush them off with a brisk, "It's just me being Liza. You wouldn't understand," because I'm sick of people laughing and making weird faces. The only other option is to give it up, and if college has done nothing else, it has only cemented the fact that hell will freeze over before I change something about myself just because someone else has decided it's not cool or normal. I have never been ordinary, and when I try, it's a mess. I don't need any help being more awkward than I already am.

I hope that I can always live freely- as Liza, no more, no less. I'm still relearning exactly what that entails. I feel like I'm always opening my eyes a little wider, rediscovering another little part of me that I lost. I just...

I just want to be happy.

I'm gonna have a good Christmas if it kills me.

2007-12-14T16:27:00.000-05:00

I came home (to my parents' house, I mean) to find it already decorated for the holidays. Usually my mom waits until we get out of school so we can help put up decorations, but this year she didn't. I guess cause every year before, I found a way to get out of it.

I'm an idiot. I didn't know what I had. I didn't know what taking out those decorations while the room's filled with Christmas means. I didn't know what putting up the tree meant, where all the ornaments that aren't balls each have a story and a meaning.

My cousin (she's nine, lives down the road, is tutored by my mother, and is trying to usurp my youngest-child status. But she will not prevail because I am far more charming...ahem. Digressing...) helped my mom put up the tree. And had the nerve to pick at my homemade Santa ornament. Just cause it doesn't have a beard...and crooked, misshapen eyes...actually, besides the hat, you can't really tell it's Santa...

...I was in first grade. Leave me alone.

There's a nativity in the living room. Well, actually, there's... *goes to count* *comes back* ...seven nativities. Apparently, when you don't know what to get the pastor for Christmas, you go with a nativity. They're really nice ones, though- glass ones, ceramic ones, some that are stuck together, some that are a lot of little pieces. There's only one that my parents actually bought, and it's my favorite one. That is the subject of this paragraph (finally). My dad bought it for my mom for Christmas one year before Jennifer and I were born. It's a wooden stable with ceramic figurines, and all the people are children and all the animals are babies. The design is kind of Precious Moments-esque. But the thing I love most about it is that the stable's actually a music box. It plays "Silent Night" in dinky, music-box notes. I wasn't allowed to touch the nativity until we were old enough to not break stuff, but I would beg Mom to wind up the music box, and I would sit there and stare at the gentle faces and the baby lying in the manger, entranced.

I came home today and sat on the floor, and I stared at that nativity. I wound up the box, and the gentle strains of "Silent Night" reached my ears.

...And I began to weep.

All I could think was, "Man...how could this have happened?" Usually I'm in a wonderful mood when Christmas comes around. From about my birthday until the actual day, I'm stupid-giddy and happy. Peace reaches me. It seems as though even this crazy world pauses for just a moment to acknowledge the best thing that ever happened to it. I have to admit, spending the beginning of last year's Christmas season in Japan really made me think. I'm not sure what it was, but it was a totally different feeling celebrating Christmas there than here in America. It's weird, but when I got back to the Detroit airport and that waitress in Chili's told me Merry Christmas, it was like it finally had meaning. Yeah, Christmas definitely isn't what it should be here, but honestly, we don't know how good we have it. I was really excited about Christmas this year because I thought I'd be able to appreciate it more. But, hard as I've tried, it just hasn't been that way for me this year. There are people close to me who just flat-out can't get into the Christmas spirit. It's affected me. I've come out of the semester of hell. I am terrified of what my future holds in general. People are moving on from my life, which is always hard, but often necessary. Other relationships have taken all the patience and humility I have to keep working on them and not just throw it all away. I am so tired. I went through exams like a zombie. I didn't even have the energy to worry as much as I normally do, although I probably should have.

I mean, yeah, Christmas is overcommercialized. It seems like Christmas decorations are coming out earlier and earlier, when Halloween isn't even over yet. It's ridiculous. In a season of giving, selfish people can utterly ruin Christmas for other people. But it SHOULDN'T MATTER. JESUS WAS BORN ON CHRISTMAS.

No, seriously. You just read that and said to yourself, "Oh, okay." Read it again. Think about exactly what that simple statement entails. My savior, the one who'll be there for me when everyone else lets me down, came to the world to put into motion a lavish gift I most certainly don't deserve. Can't I just let go of all the crap in my life for just a little while and celebrate that, even if I'm alone in doing it? I'm not going to sit here and be self-righteous- I hate that people cheapen it or just give up on it, but I'm also disappointed in myself because I'm giving up, when I, as a Christian, certainly have reason to be glad, no matter what's going on in my life right now. Why do I let things that don't even matter get in the way of my joy...? I know God is out there. I know peace is out there- not just at Christmas, but always. But this is a special time. What better time than now to quiet myself for once and wait for Him...to just sit and be grateful?

Please...if you see someone singing some really corny Christmas song, or happily going about their Christmas shopping or making Christmas-related food with a goofy smile on their face...let them be glad. If they say, "Man, I really love Christmas", don't take that from them. Honestly, in the end, Christmas is what you make of it. You want an authentic, heartfelt Christmas? Then you make it that way. If you have to, forget everyone else around you. Then, I promise...even if circumstances suck, it'll still be a wonderful one.

That's what I'm going to do. This Christmas, it's gonna be me celebrating his birth in my own way- behind all the dusted-off Christmas music, tinsel, and glitter, that's all it is. For me, it's remembering what I have- the Christmases that were good, the memories I've made with friends and family. It's doing corny stuff with my family, not cause it's fun (heck, no), but because I need to be with them while I can, cause I have no idea where I'll be next year or if I'll even be able to come home. Because, even though they get on my nerves...I love them. It's getting back to my roots as a person, reaching out to the One who loves me and understands me more than any person ever will and listening for a change.

People can't take the power out of Christmas. It's still there. Whether you open your eyes and receive it is up to you.

(...Wow, that's a lot. Honestly, I don't expect anybody to read all of that...I really need to blog more often so this doesn't happen again.)

2007-11-04T19:40:00.000-05:00

I am lucid and exhausted and totally preoccupied all at the same time.

But I will be all right.

Just wanted you to know.

2007-10-21T20:00:00.000-05:00

I want to know where I stand.
I want to be okay with that.
I want love to spill out of me for the sake of and despite of the people I meet.
I want to move on from my past but not forget it. May I be punished sorely if I ever have the arrogance to inflict the same wounds on people that were inflicted on me.

Not always, but sometimes, when I look at you...I see myself.

That's why I'm still here.

2007-10-03T22:28:00.000-05:00

Dear Father,

Yesterday was the first day I'd been really happy since my anxiety attack last month. It was awesome, mostly cause I could feel You really close to me. I was so giddy, I felt like I wanted to tell the world. Do You remember? I was determined to not worry about things so much and just hand things over to you. So, I was in a good mood, even as I stayed up to finish that paper. I pumped myself full of caffeine and resolved to stay happy, even as I had to finally skip class to finish everything. But by the time test time rolled around today, I have to admit I was a little irritable. And then it was like I had studied all the wrong things, so all that studying was ultimately little help. I tried not to cry, but there was no one to talk to and the person who served me my food was rude to me and I just couldn't deal with it all at once. So that was how I ended up trudging up the stairs to my room, chanting, "I'm not going to cry. It's just a test," even as I'm blubbering and snotting everywhere. And then I felt worse cause I had just finished telling you I wasn't going to worry. It wasn't really the test...I just hate that feeling when I know I've done my best and...it just wasn't good enough. But You know that. I felt like my happiness had been snatched away from me just when I'd gotten it back, and that just discouraged me more.

But you work in mysterious ways, God. I could've just gone home and caught up on sleep, but I went to house church and laughed and had cake and interesting discussion, then I had pizza with friends. But the best part of the night was what I thought would be the hardest. Thank you for pushing all that other stuff out of the way long enough to allow me to help some of my sisters intercede for my brothers tonight. 15 minutes became an hour, and I didn't even notice. You were definitely there with us, and may it always be so. Thank you, dear Father. You brought my happiness back with the joy that comes from working for you. You are good. And now I'm gonna sleep real good. May the fervent prayers that were sent up tonight be heard and answered. In your name. Love you a whole lot.

Amen.

2007-09-20T20:11:00.000-05:00

Today was very humbling. Painfully humbling. Several things happened to me today that made me look at my true self, all of me, squarely...and it makes me sick. Sitting here, the only conclusion I can come to is that I'm selfish, spoiled, nowhere near as talented, smart, or clever as I pretend to be, in all honesty, I have a really nasty dark side, yet I'm way too proud to admit that I'm falling apart, even as I desperately try to claw my way back to a standing position before anyone sees I'm on the ground. God is honestly the only thing holding me together right now.

Well, perhaps the last thing is how it should be.

YOOO, I'LL TELL YA WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT...

2007-09-17T22:57:00.000-05:00

...Yeah, okay, I'm done.

2007-09-10T22:01:00.000-05:00

I'm worn out. And anxious. Anxious about being too anxious again.

I never want a severe panic attack, cause this mild one scared the crap out of me. I thought I felt powerless before, but wanting to stop crying, wanting your chest to stop feeling like it's ripping in half, but not being able to is far worse.

Each little part of this is something I could face by itself. Together they proved too much to bear, a huge nasty thing that nearly immobilized me today. Anyway, I'm exhausted.

But people love me. And Jesus will see to it that I'm not alone tonight.

So I'll take a deep breath and wait for tomorrow.

All I need is hope...and a little bit of courage to pick up the pieces and keep going.

It seems as though school never really ends, does it...?

2007-09-07T13:34:00.000-05:00

I think the thing I like the most about meeting new people is learning from them. I'm not just talking about the really smart people who seem to be overflowing with information and open up whole new worlds for you. I think each of my friends especially have taught me something- how to be stronger, how to give selflessly, how to be concerned with other things than myself, how to be able to laugh at myself, how to find joy in the simple beauty of God's creation...the list goes on and on. And it's not like these people (except in a few cases) actually sat me down and schooled me. It's through actions, through the relating of their experiences. No, I'm not daydreaming when you're talking to me, even though I'm not saying much. Even the little things are things that I take into myself, good or bad. I'm weighing them, learning about my friends, the world around us, and about myself. And you will probably either find that interesting or be scared out of your mind, cause you've been saying all kinds of stuff in my presence...then again, those closest to me probably know this and don't care *coughLOUcough*. It's not like if you complain about your crazy professor or say something I don't quite agree with, I automatically think less of you for it, though. Everyone has bad days, and if the whole world was in agreement, it'd be a heck of a lot less complicated than it is now. In fact, I seem to gravitate to the people who have the courage to say things that aren't always safe. But yeah, what you're saying, even if in jest, is how a lot of people are making their conclusions about you, some more than others. I don't know about you, but that scares the crap out of me. Probably why I don't talk a lot...but even silence causes people to make conclusions about you.

...Well, that sucks. You just can't win, can you? But I digress.

One of those (often corny) ice-breaker questions goes: "What makes more of a difference to you- what is said or how it's said?" I gotta admit, how it's said is pretty important to me (a smile covers a multitude of sins, so sayeth Dale Carnegie, and it's so true to me), but what is said is probably a little bit more important. I'm interested in perspectives. I want to see glimpses of the world from different lenses than I'm used to. Conversation is a big part of that.

...And don't judge me for being a Dale Carnegie fan. I don't care what anyone says- How to Make Friends and Influence People changed my LIFE. Read it. It will open your EYES.

Of course I sound insane. If you've known me long enough, you know I only pretend to have sense. :D

How the heck does your mouth get sunburned...?

2007-08-06T21:03:00.001-05:00

I'm glad it's not that noticeable, but the part of my bottom lip closest to my teeth is yellower and swollen. It was bleeding yesterday cause my teeth kept rubbing up against it... It happened after that canoeing business this weekend, so I guess it's some strange sort of sunburn. It doesn't hurt so much any more, so that's good.

If Garrett ever mentions something about a helium stick to you...

...run.

I broke my vow to never play Mafia this weekend...apparently I can lie a whole lot better than I could two years ago. Yeah...not sure if that's a good thing. I don't know what was funnier- Dan's narration of the adventures of Doo-Doo Island (which is real and lies in the middle of Lake Murray) or Joel's...creative depictions of people's deaths (which was while I was Mafia, which made it so much worse...).

Tony made me a mix CD to educate me. It was the best mix ever...Celine Dion...

...and Tupac.

Both of which are best enjoyed while lip-syncing and making appropriate hand motions and grimaces.

Time to dust off this thing...

2007-07-30T12:28:00.000-05:00

I think this is the longest blog hiatus I've taken since I started this thing. I haven't had anything interesting to say lately. I'm fresh out of wit, and when cool, blog-worthy things happen to me, I don't get the urge to write until I don't really want to write about it anymore. I don't know if I'm afraid to write in here or what. I can't really tell you what I've been doing all summer. Class...and singing. A lot. For no apparent reason. Thank goodness for understanding roommates.

I'm not really depressed, but I wouldn't say I'm happy per se. I'm a little restless, but I'm not unsettled. I'm a little pissed at myself...I have regrets. Not life-ruining regrets, just if I could do it over I would regrets. Less time on this, more time on that...more walks in the late afternoon. Less procrastination. Less second-guessing myself. More letting people help me. It's amazing, but even though I've spent the majority of my time alone, I feel like I've been avoiding myself this summer.

...You know, maybe that's why I haven't written in a while. Maybe I've forgotten how to write in first person.

Death, thy name is chocolate fudge brownie twinkie milkshake.

2007-06-13T21:21:00.001-05:00

Ooog.

2007-06-10T21:55:00.000-05:00

Tonight a psalm brought me to tears.

"Because he clung to me, I shall free him: I shall lift him up because he knows my name. He will call upon me and for my part, I will hear him: I am with him in his time of trouble. I shall rescue him and lead him to glory. I shall fill him with length of days and show him my salvation."

-Psalm 91: 14-16

If I could just find the courage to blindly believe that, I could...live. I mean really live, not this shadow thing I've been doing for the past couple of weeks. I've just been too tired and dejected to even talk much.

...Where's that feather boa? I'm pretty sure I dropped it somewhere...

2007-05-31T23:14:00.000-05:00

I got a new computer. I named it Greased Lightning.

I read over one of the stories in one of the manga serial magazines I bought in Japan. I could read almost the whole thing with comprehension...that was cool. I felt a small sense of accomplishment.

I feel as though I'm more and more reluctant to let my cracks show...people say they want to know others inside and out, and I really do believe that that's what they want at the time...but come on. The world we live in is not a patient one, and no one on this earth is willing to listen to your crap at all times (plus I think it's a little presumptuous to think they should). It's like I have a limit of how many times I can complain, and when I really need to vent, I've already used up all my opportunities for the week or something and I paint an ugly picture of myself to the other person. Either that or the other person is having a really sucky week themselves, so trying to one-up them with your own misery is kinda cruel...I'll chicken out every time.

Maybe I do complain too much. It's just that it's a lot less frequent than the internal worrying I do, so I tend not to realize that. And so, it's when I really need to vent that I complain...and when I'm not allowed or made to feel guilty about that, I get a little indignant, I'll admit.

Indignance...such an ugly emotion. I would say it's justified maybe 5% of the time...and the rest of the time, it's just silly, meaningless, puffed-up pride.

Pride gets in the way of love a lot. That's why I really don't like it. And I end up feeling ashamed cause it pops up so often in my life.

Iwouldrathernotbetreatedlikeanobjectpleasethankyou.

2007-05-15T19:51:00.000-05:00

That's all I have to say. Anything else just seems useless right now.

Sometimes you just can't accept substitutes.

2007-04-28T20:18:00.000-05:00

Like Slim Jims.

No, seriously, think about it. You already don't know what's in that stuff...do you really want to take a chance with Cowboy jerky or whatever? I mean, that sort of situation is definitely not the time to be testing the grand unknown. At least go with the brand you know hasn't killed you...

...yet.

(Liza hearts nacho flavor, by the way. Something about the matrimony of processed meat and processed cheese...like...stuff is just magical.)

I was walking around today, and I said, "Hey, I can hear...and I haven't coughed once all day. Awesome." I've been sick for almost three weeks...it's a good feeling to be back to my old self. And just in time for finals...I'm thankful for that.

For my health, that is. Not finals. I have two on Thursday, two on next Monday...thankfully, both days are an easy one paired with a hard one. Lucky again.

I'll be staying in Columbia this summer. Wonder what that's gonna be like. Hope one of my job applications works out. I want some more money in my bank account...like besides loan money, which in my eyes is scary and tainted... (irrational debtophobes, anybody? *raises hand* Meeeee...)

Well, back to work. I have a paper to finish. It's going, slowly but surely. Wish me luck.

2007-04-13T19:28:00.000-05:00

My goal in life is to someday be as happy as this monkey must be right now.

Just once...that's all I'm asking.

Real friends will mop you up after you've dissolved into a puddle on their floor.

2007-04-10T20:10:00.000-05:00

I'm serious. No fair-weather friend would love you in liquid form.

I'm sick. I have lots of work to do. I'm thankful I'm not sicker.

Sin isn't just the things you're sure are wrong, whether they're expressly in the Bible or part of your personal ideology. They're also the things you have to make well-thought arguments for not only to justify them to men but partly to yourself.

If you do something that you have the slightest twinge might be wrong, that's a sin. If you know what you need to do and don't do it, that's also a sin. (James 4:17)

...Oh, God. I'm glad you have lots more patience than I do, because so many of the things my brain comes up with are pointless in the end. The fact that pride should even be an issue with a constantly sinning creature like me is almost laughable.

"Empty-headed", indeed.

My heart is a rock stuck in my throat...

2007-03-27T22:11:00.000-05:00

It seems like I haven't been able to experience much besides varying shades of apathy for the past few days. Well, except for Covenant Group last night. That was awesome. :) I think it's because I have freaked myself out so much over the past few weeks that my emotions have finally gone into hibernation as they tend to do at times. You know something's not quite right when I find out I got a D on my exam Monday and I barely bat an eyelash, mutter something about the stupidity of making tests that are nothing like the homeworks and practice problems, which I always get right and get A's on, and come to the realization that I'm most likely getting a C out of the class with no tears and only slight resigned disgust.

Resigned. That's a good word to describe how I feel right now. I am somewhat concerned about my heart-state, but more for other people's sake. Honestly, I'm perfectly fine with being checked out emotionally for a little while. Productivity goes way up without those pesky feelings in the way. I just wonder if my apathy is showing when I'm talking to people. It's not that I don't want to care about what people are saying to me right now, but to be honest, dusting off my feelings is hard and something I'm doing with a tiny bit of resentment...and that's not cool. I want to care like I always do...I just feel like I can't handle my emotions right now.

But...

When I asked You to give me a heart for Your people and You said yes, neither of us meant "when it's convenient".

Mushaboom mushaboom...

2007-03-20T21:45:00.000-05:00

...Ironic how the funnest part of my trip may never get blogged about. Especially since I said I would. Just to reiterate, I love Asheville. I love it more every time I go.

And yes, I am aware that "funnest" is not really a word. Neither is "thingy." So boo to you.

So I went to the first leg of advisement today. Good news (well, depending on how you look at it): I'm almost positive I won't have to stay an extra semester in college. I'm outta here in May '08.

Ohhh...the real world, Jesus...

Speaking of Jesus, I started praying the hours. Apparently it's kinda a Catholic thing or something (I'm not really familiar with its origins, so don't quote me on that), but I like kinda being reminded with Scripture during the day and starting and ending the day with prayer.

But back to advisement. Bad news: Might not be graduating from the Honors College. Which isn't horrible, since IB'll look shiny enough on my resume, I suppose. It'll just be kinda annoying if it turns out I trudged through three years of honors classes and lowered my GPA for nothing... But I'm still a little hopeful. We'll see what my honors advisor says tomorrow.

I have shoulders like a linebacker. If I lifted weights, I could kill people... Cap sleeves make me notice that. Ironic.

I started writing to-do lists again. It helps me get more stuff done. Till I start looking at Wikipedia. Wikipedia is to me as YouTube is to...normal people. As Facebook is to Stephen Key.

I am tired. My emotions are tucked away in that corner of my heart they retreat to at times. I have neither the energy nor the desire to access them. Tomorrow, I hope...

Right back one, I imagine it is. Never dusty.

"You win the Athenian award for today." Ichi.

2007-03-14T20:03:00.000-05:00

So I just got back from Shack on the Rocks, which was of course super-awesome. I'm home now, and I did what I always do when I get back home- fire up my beloved stereo and sing at the top of my lungs while jumping up and down and flinging my hair in every direction...

My mommy is a long-suffering mommy. That's all I can say.

This year's trip was really...eventful. Not like two years ago wasn't eventful, but whoa, there were some crazy good times this year.

...And just crazy times.

There was this whole conspiracy before we even got to Looking Glass Rock involving the interstate and wrecks... I'm not sure how it got started, but three cars (including mine) ended up in on it and had Kyle convinced that Joel had gotten in an accident that had backed up traffic on the interstate for miles (mostly cause Joel himself called him at one point). So Kyle tells Lou when she arrives, so they're kinda freaked, and Lou says before we eat lunch, "Let's pray for Joel first." It was at that point that I couldn't take it anymore and said with probably more bluntness than was necessary, "No. Let's not pray for Joel."

And of course, I didn't hear the end of that for a couple of hours. Ironically, it turned out Joel and Matt Carrowan got lost and probably needed prayer after all, which made me feel bad about the whole thing.

I got up the trail all the way this year, although I gave up at first 15 minutes in. I was sure my legs weren't going to cooperate, since I had been walking all over Columbia the day before. But 5 minutes later, I was like, "No way. Not this year. I am so taking this hill." So I walked back up, and I was late, but I made it. It was cool because I got to talk to people on the way, which I probably wouldn't have done if I had been with everyone, and I was able to stop and enjoy the view a couple of times. Plus, this really cute dog came out of nowhere and walked with me part of the way towards the end. My heart was warmed, and I said a whole lot of "Thank you, God"s. The view was awesome and so worth it. Although I was certain Steven Key was about to die. I'm latched on to this downward-sloping ledge for dear life, and he's so far down I can only see his head...I was like, "Lord, we commit Steven to you..."

Garrett read the Sermon on the Mount while we were up there. I just really like that passage, and hearing it read while gazing out at the sunbeams streaming in front of all those slopes in front of us...it was beautiful.

Getting down was fun. I was really tired at the end, but everyone was in high spirits, more or less. Some people took shortcuts...some got down before everyone else. Others got lost and thought they saw bears. That's all I'm going to say on the matter. Poor Jessica got like rocks embedded in her heel, and her socks were soaked with blood...she's a Spartan woman. Yes, we were commenting on people's "Spartometers" the entire trip, since several people went to see 300 over the weekend.

As for me, I am a proud Athenian princess. No denying that fact.

When we got to Bonclarken, Garrett led worship. I've only seen him do it a few times, but I always enjoy it when he does. He did a lot of oldies that brought back good memories, and having some vets there with us kinda helped with that atmosphere. Matt Carrowan taught, and I really liked what he said about striving for perfection, even though we know it's out of our reach, because that's what we're commanded to do and in order to not slip into complacency. Isn't that true? You know, when you start out as a Christian, you set smaller goals for yourself, but when you hit those, there's that urge to just stop there because you're relatively good. You're not doing really terrible things, and people are probably praising you or even looking up to you. But there's always something else you can be working on, and instead of being discouraged by that fact, we should embrace it and strive as hard as we can towards those things.

Oh, yes. At the end of the night, Lou and Rebecca played the guitar and Carmen sang along with me and some others in an impromptu worship session. It was so awesome- just uninhibited, heartfelt worship. I love sitting on the floor and just doing stuff like that...not really caring about how you sound, but singing because you just really want to. I went to bed early, so I just missed Lou being surprised for her birthday...even though I heard it all the way in the next apartment in bed. I laughed- then shut up real quick, sure I had woken Carolyn up.

So I'll continue this tomorrow... with the countriest restaurant I have ever been to in my life.

If you open up the door, we'll all come inside and eat your brain...

2007-03-08T23:40:00.000-05:00

Songs about zombies are the best. Even better when they sound completely normal except for the lyrics.

I'm sleepy.

"We're not unreasonable, I mean, no one's gonna eat your eyes..."

Tony was right. I do need prayer.

Tribulation worketh patience...

2007-03-03T17:22:00.000-05:00

...and patience, experience...
experience, hope...

...and hope maketh not ashamed, because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

-Romans 5:3b-5

I believe good is on the way.

Panda Tower...the epic sequel.

2007-03-02T18:37:00.000-05:00

PANDA KEG PARTY!!!

"More milk!"
"This is a great party, Ming!"
"That's right. Cause I rule, son."

Mwa ha ha.

Ehhhh...

2007-02-27T19:30:00.000-05:00

I felt blog-neglection guilt.

Only reason I'm posting, cause I feel like my brain has oozed out on the floor (that is, considering it found some place to ooze...I was looking for something yesterday, tore my room apart in the process, and now I can only see patches of my carpet). I swear, if I don't get my eight hours, I'm about as useful as a guy in a makeup aisle. So yeah...now you guys get to watch my pitiful attempt at stringing coherent sentences together...yay. :)

I had so much energy last week...but this week, when I have tests every day until Friday, that energy just went pbbblt. That might be because my emotions were all over the place until like...today. (I was too tired to be a nutcase today...frankly, I was too tired to be...anything today.) Matt Carrowan noticed me staring at my coffee mug morosely this morning, and I just looked at him and said, "...I'm too tired to drink."

However. Today was good. I kept getting nigglings to wander in places I don't usually go at those times of day, and I kept running into people I haven't seen in a while...that made me really happy. I kinda needed that today. Also sang worship songs with Lou today. I needed that today too. It was just...good in the midst of my hazy at best day.

So yeah. Abridged version of my day. Schedule for tonight is as follows: Study. Bang head on keyboard. Mutter-sing along with morose songs morosely ("The doves have died...the lovers have li-i-i-i-ed..."). Repeat. Drag carcass to bed. Pass out blissfully.

...After all, no matter what happens during the day, how could you be in a bad mood when you surround yourself in pink fluffiness?

Bedtime...

2007-02-13T22:26:00.000-05:00

I promised myself last week that if it was kinda warm one day this week, I'd totally give myself a skirt day. So that's what I did today, and it was awesome cause I haven't had a real skirt day since like...May? (Church doesn't count...neither does important functions.) To a girly-girl like me, the swishy and the floaty gives me a happy that absolutely nothing can take away.

And then it rained. I've said it before, but I love the rain. And I didn't really care since I had my plastic jacket too. I'm sure the girls walking in front of me to class this afternoon thought I was insane cause I was laughing... But I didn't care. The wind was at my back, the raindrops were falling on my face, and my skirt was swishing.

...But all that humidity gave me a fantastic 'fro. I mean, seriously, you guys would've been amazed. I could literally feel my hair shrinking and expanding in real time.

When I speak up in class, it feels like a little victory. I had two little victories in my IB class today.

Tonight I will dispel a myth. I, in fact, do not like everyone...but let me explain. I did a marketing study for extra credit this morning, which was kinda interesting. But at one point, I was reading the instructions. "There is a bucket in front of you. Remove the bucket and look at what's under it." So I remove the bucket, and there's this piece of chocolate cake sitting there. Now I haven't eaten yet today, and the smell of cocoa is filling my nostrils. "Please do not touch or eat the snack. Look at the snack for 2-3 minutes and imagine deliberating on whether or not to eat it."

Imagine? I was deliberating for real. I swear, if I had been just a little bit hungrier, those research people would've been out of luck. But I just sat there, staring at the cake, my wrath burning against the hateful people in Marketing Research.

Afterwards, I was understandably a little tired, but it was okay cause I had chai. I was staring out into space, slumped over a bit, with my paper cup in a deathgrip...and my professor laughed at me. He said it looked like I was in possession of life-giving nectar. I was like, "This is life-giving nectar."

I was only half-joking.

All along the wall between us, I see a teacher there for us...

2007-02-12T22:35:00.000-05:00

"Along the Wall" is my favorite song on Leigh Nash's Blue on Blue CD. So yes, lyrics transcription time. (You know you missed it...)

If you ask me to come, I'll say go
If you say you love me, I'll say sure, if you say so
Whatever you tell me, I won't believe you
And if you try, try to make me

Ooh, I would like to know
Which one is willing to lose

All along the wall between us, I see a teacher there for us
I look at the wall, I see right through it
I lean on the wall there for us

There is a door where I am standing
Without a key, without a clue
Without you, I am wandering
Wondering about you

It's a cold, cold night
Are you gonna call me?
Tell me about how I go on and on about you
Being like you used to be
How it's all about me

Ooh, I would like to know
Who is the wounded one?
Which one will make the move?
Which one is willing to lose?

You're my heaven underground
In my feet, the only sound
You're the shadow in my light
I am hollow all the time

All along the wall between us, I see a teacher there for us
I look at the wall, I see right through it
I lean on the wall between us
I see a teacher there for us
I look at the wall, I see right through it
I lean on the wall there for us

I had a good day today also, by the way. I got a three-bedroom in Thornwell, so that's pretty good...someone remind me to go to my mailbox tomorrow.

...I haven't been down to that pit of lost paper since I got back. I'm a little scared of what my box will look like...

"I'm a creampuff!"

2007-02-11T23:38:00.000-05:00

...A baked good on wheels that talks is not cool.

Especially when you're selling cars.

I need to go to bed (classage tomorrow), so I can't go in depth, but I had a really good day today. Green tea frappucino, taking a little extra time for communion with God, the emo-guitar version of "Hit Me Baby (One More Time)" [which I kinda like better than the original...but it still broke my brain], making shadow puppets while sitting in a straight line, laughing a whole lot, singing again [God really worked out multiple things with that], the Grammys [I love John Mayer's music, but that dude looks scary when he sings...actually, tonight he just looked kinda scary all the time...but he is on tour right now, so he's probably tired or something]...

Today was just...good. And I'm gonna go to bed rested and with a smile on my face.

Tiramisu lip gloss...

2007-02-10T18:37:00.000-05:00

...is such an awesome invention that it deserves to be the title of this post.

...Although the rest of this has nothing to do with that.

I got up, figured I'd do some homework...decided I'd better rest my eyes some when I started seeing bright spots swimming in front of them...

...When I regained consciousness, the sun was setting. Sigh...

But tonight is my stay-up night, so it's all good. (Trinity Blood and Bleach...sometimes I even make it to Eureka Seven). I'm on a huge Bleach kick right now...I can't wait to go home and claim my artbook from the manga (collection of color pictures, usually from chapter title pages [the story's usually in black and white] or magazine promotions, often includes rare or never-before-released pictures too). Tite Kubo has a really cool style, and the cover was so awesome...I'm sure it'll be great. They usually have an index by the author explaining the motivations and inspirations for the pictures, which are cool, but they're in Japanese, so I might be able to decipher the really easy sentences... (Let's hope Tite Kubo doesn't like to use big words.)

...Oh, yeah, and I want to actually see my family too...

...Yes, really...

I also went to the Elite Male Showcase (annual scholarship mangeant AAAS puts on) tonight to support Stacie, who was a model of sorts for the formal wear portion, since the contestants had to dance. That was actually pretty fun. There were some really good monologues, and this one guy did this awesome rendition of "Georgia on My Mind" on the saxophone...but one guy played the piano and just floored me. He was really talented classically, but then he played Beyonce and I was like, "Oh, you win..." The whole front row was singing, "To the left, to the left..."

So yeah, homework time...yay.

(Placeholder for witty title that will never materialize)

2007-02-09T20:06:00.000-05:00

Mom came in as I was watching Grey's Anatomy at home about a month or so ago. "So, is that McDreamy?"

Still glued to the television, I reply sunnily, "No, that's McSteamy. He's a man-whore."

So when Addison called him that on this week's episode, I felt kinda vindicated. I was all like, "Yeah! I've been calling him that for months..."

I know one thing- they better get Meredith out of that water next week...I'm just saying.

So wow...this week was draining. I don't have much to say about it...there was just a lot of heavy stuff that came up all at once- old stuff I haven't really dealt with, several of my buddies going through stuff...man. But sitting here tonight, I'm exhausted but not regretful. I needed to deal with this. I needed to be there for my friends, even though I can't do much besides listen... I believe pretty strongly that if you can't stick around when your friends are going through crap, then you've got no business enjoying their company on a good day. You'll have plenty of acquaintances in this world, but strife is the true test of my friendship in my book.

So that is my spiel for tonight. It's short, but the only reason I'm still conscious is cause I wanted to catch the Grey's I missed last night. Sleep sounds real good right now...

Happies.

Fatigue

2007-02-06T21:53:00.000-05:00

I had a kinda hard day today...not cause of class, but cause I was a little preoccupied. Lately, when the subject of my dad comes up, it brings up a big fat helping of regret, hopelessness, and uncertainty, and it's an unwelcome bedfellow for at least a day afterwards. It's hard cause I love my dad, and I know my dad loves me, but it's been a while since we've had a prolonged, civil conversation. We've never gotten along very well, and the only way there's been peace in my house is by avoiding conversation (and confrontation) like the plague. My dad is really in-your-face, almost never wavers, which I admire...but consider that he often neglects accompanying his opinions with tact. If you don't have a father like this, then you can't understand what it's like to be his child- doing everything you can to measure up, wanting to be strong too so he can be proud of you, but unfortunately, you've developed a painful shyness that even more unfortunately really grates on his nerves... I don't want to face my father because I get so frustrated at how lightly he treats my emotions, how he just shuts me out when it gets too heavy sometimes, hiding behind the "I'm the parent, you're the child" catchall phrase, but I am also afraid to face him because I feel as though all my shortcomings are painfully obvious in front of him.

...Which is why telling someone they remind me of my dad is something that's really hard to keep from sounding horribly insulting to me- even when I'm the one saying it. Actually, scratch that. Especially when I'm the one saying it. And it seems almost unforgivable when it's to a friend. I admire people who tell it like it is, who always say exactly what they mean so much- but at the same time, I have to stop from running in the opposite direction. I have to stop myself from sticking my daddy baggage on my friendships. These are the people I have to keep from disliking for no reason at all, because these kind of people are my weakness- I know exactly why I hesitate at being friends with them at first. Harsh words from them would probably hurt me more than any from my other friends because I want to get where they are. I really want to. I wish I had the courage to say what I mean. I do think that with that comes the tendency to end up saying things that might have been better left unsaid, but on the other hand, there's so many things that I wished I'd said but didn't, you know? Being with these people can be painful, but I believe it makes me better. They make me want to try a little harder- I appreciate that.

Tomorrow is a new day...I will greet it with hope. But for tonight, if You would please grant me a little bit of peace...

Thanks.

2007-02-04T20:38:00.000-05:00

There's so much I want to write about, but my brain is doing that really annoying supersonic-speed thing, so I don't think I'm gonna get many coherent sentences out tonight either.

Just know...Prince singing Foo Fighters broke my brain.

No...the T-Rex break dancing on TV just now broke it.

Let's try this again tomorrow...

"Oh, snap! A Crunch bar..."

2007-02-02T21:09:00.000-05:00

I think being enthusiastic about even the small things in life helps you appreciate it a little more.

...That, and no one will dare stand between you and chocolatey goodness.

I had so much fun selling shirts today...both teams sold out, which I think is awesome. It was really cool getting to talk to so many different people, even if they didn't all buy shirts. I must've told the Bob Day shirt origin story at least a dozen times, but somehow it didn't get old. Plus all together, we raised over $1000. What a blessing.

I went to the art museum with Linda and David tonight...that was fun. It's been too long since I've been to a museum, and there were the coolest things there. We walked in one room, and there was these huge chandelier. The little card said it was made of over a hundred seperate pieces, and some of the white glass would just melt into pink and blue.... The craftsmanship on it was breathtaking, especially the flowers.

The Frank Lloyd Wright exhibit was cool too. It was crazy seeing things that he had designed in the 30's or 40's that looked like something you might see in a modern style house today. There was this tureen that he designed in 1915 that Tiffany's manufactured in 1990. (He also designed probably the coolest hanging lamp ever. I want one just like it to put in my future study where I can hatch diabolical plans under this thing. Let's just say it was very Vader chic.)

...Then there was this painting of Saint Felix. Saint Felix was most likely martyred by beheading. Linda and I looked at the picture for a little while, then I murmured finally, "Okay...apparently Saint Felix is in heaven right now holding his own head...with blood spurting out of his neck..."

His divinely glowing neck, I should add.

I think I should just leave it at that.

I thought cats were aloof creatures.

2007-02-01T22:29:00.000-05:00

I don't want to see any more cupcakes for a long time. ...Or frosting.

I finished my Marketing exam in 25 minutes today. I was totally wired this morning from the coffee...I was bouncing around and reintroducing Joel to the word "chipper".

I was going to Five Points, and as I passed by an apartment, this cat comes out of nowhere and looks like it's going to cross my path, so I slow down. The cat stops, makes a u-turn and stands right in front of me, just looking at me. "Okaaay..." I mutter. I step over to the left. The cat steps over to the left. I step around the cat quickly and start power-walking down the street, and I swear this cat just starts trotting beside me for a while. I know whoever passed by me right then must've thought I was nuts, cause I was looking straight ahead (hoping if I ignored the cat, it'd leave me alone) with a weird expression on my face, muttering, "What the crap? What the crap?!" That was...interesting.

Today was rather ordinary, but strange...

2007-01-31T22:45:00.000-05:00

The fountain in Five Points was spurting pink water.

Mooninites caused several bridges to be shut down and a bomb squad called in in Boston... I never thought I'd have to write that sentence. Article I understand we're living in a post 9/11 world and all, but arresting people for light-up signs and talking about suing? Maybe Turner should've given the cities they were putting these in the heads up, and I think they probably should reimburse Boston for all the manpower and stuff that went into this today, but these things were also up for weeks before they even noticed, which is a little disconcerting. There were foul-ups on both sides, I think. Although I'm admittedly a little biased...the Mooninite episodes of Aqua Teen made me laugh real hard.

I was ten minutes late to my first class, but I missed absolutely nothing because my professor happened to still be going over the wonders of operations management as a career field...to his credit, that's the main reason the University hired him last semester, apparently, but yeah.

And tomorrow there's a delay, but my class is at 11, so it doesn't really affect me. Well, I don't have to get up as early to open up the Shack, so that's good. (Tomorrow's my first exam of the semester...wish me luck.)

If someone asked me what four adjectives would best describe me, "sinister" would not be the first thing that comes to mind...

2007-01-30T19:19:00.000-05:00

I'm just saying. And you know who you are.

So today was a good day. Which is awesome, cause I thought it was gonna suck. I had a really busy day ahead of me, but I didn't get much sleep cause I had to finish up my homework. Well, I tried. Around 2:30 my brain exploded and I was somehow able to drag my smoking carcass to bed...so I got up this morning tired and in a bad mood for the second day in a row, and I just lay there in bed for an hour drifting in and out of consciousness, having weird 30-second dreams that made absolutely no sense. I was behind schedule, and I had to take time to plan out how I was gonna get everything that I needed to do done, but I couldn't really concentrate cause I was worried... We had to do a case analysis in class today, which involves reading a 20-page case study, making a marketing decision, and being able to put forth said decision in class along with supporting evidence from the case study. At this point, I wasn't able to string a coherent sentence together, much less a decent analysis, so I thought some caffeine would help...

...With breakfast, that would've been a good idea. On an empty stomach...uh, no. Which is how I ended up in Marketing class trying to hold my pencil, only my hands are shaking and I'm eyeing my hands cause I'm not sure what the heck is going on cause I'm completely calm and I know the professor's looking at me and I'm just thinking, "I know what it looks like, but I'm not a crack addict. I'm drug-free, dude..."

...Wow. I just broke my record for longest run-on sentence right there. Anyway, we start class and the first thing the professor says is, "Well, I've been thinking about it and I'm going to postpone the case analysis..." Yessss. So we went over a new chapter and reviewed for the exam, and that was it.

I decided it'd be a good idea to stop by the Shack to rest for a little while before I had to go help sell Bob Day shirts, so that's what I did. It was slow today, but honestly, I don't think I could've taken a crowd of people right then. I was still kinda in a bad mood when I got there, but by the time I left, my spirits were lifted- not cause anyone did anything special, but cause I just really enjoyed everyone's company today. And I don't say that about everybody.

But yeah, selling T-shirts turned out to be awesome. Oh, man, I have never had so much fun asking people for money... It's a lot easier screaming at people when you're in a mob. This guy just walked up and handed us a $5 bill, so that was cool...and we were able to sell some shirts today too. It was so funny watching people stare at our table and just mouth in complete and utter confusion, "Bob Day...? Who is that...?" I got to see my "sister" Stacie today too, and I found out from her that my sister (blood older sister) got accepted to pharmacy school here, and she was ecstatic. I think I was literally the last to know, but that's cause I suck about signing onto instant messenger services these days. I got to talk to her later on today, though...she was so happy. Anyway, back to selling T-shirts...around 1:50 or so, Bob Day actually shows up. It was awesome. People would ask us, "Who's Bob Day?" and we would just point and Bob would look a little chagrined. The best part is when he left, cause there's all this hoopla about him going on, and he says, "Well, I gotta go clean the toilet at the Shack now, so..."

Bob Day is awesome, man.

And how did I end my day today? My long 2 1/2 hour class today- movie.

Oh, God is good. I say that in all humble, thankful seriousness.

Coolness is making crafts involving skulls...and glitter...

2007-01-29T22:52:00.000-05:00

I got home from covenant group in time to see the last half of Demetri Martin...oh, man. That guy is my hero. And it repeats at midnight, so I'll get to see the first half too. Yay. Ah, The Daily Show, Colbert Report, Demetri Martin, homework...

Cue toy piano. "One of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn't belong..." Ah, well. Such is college life.

...Dude, Bill Gates is like a rock star.

You know, I used to complain that there was no one I could share my deep, true self with. Now, ironically, I don't like going too deep. It's difficult. I'm still insecure. I always leave a conversation like that wondering if I've said too much. I don't like admitting the ugly...but pretending it's not there doesn't do any good either. Neither does just living with it. You know, saying "Okay, I'm selfish" or "I put my foot in my mouth a lot" without a deliberate intention to change those kinds of things. I think what I really need to do is take a good look at the things I need to work on, pray for strength and guidance, and then really get into the mindset of trying to change my habits. I know it's not going to be easy- it is hard trying to change things you're set in. You have to get your hands dirty and get humbled every time you deal with it, which'll probably be often. So, the point- conversations that go a little deeper are uncomfortable and humbling...but good in the long run, I think.

Piñatas promote violence against flamboyant animals.

2007-01-28T20:42:00.000-05:00

Demetri Martin special coming on tomorrow night. I feel my brain exploding every time I watch this guy, but that's why it's so genius. It's so funny because it's so random...

Garrett's message tonight really got me thinking. I think I've said this before, either out loud on here in Velveteen, but I'm nowhere near where I thought I would be around this time three years ago. Now I don't think that's a bad thing at all, but USC was my fall-back school. I was really disillusioned when I got here, and my relationship with God was in shambles at best. I was basically throwing a several-month-long temper tantrum. I was scared. I didn't know what I was going to do with myself. Nothing made sense, there didn't seem to be a point on giving anything my best. I was just...there, making good grades so I could keep my scholarships and keep my parents off my back. I'm not proud of the way I acted. I thought my faith was so strong, but the minute something went really wrong...I was the thing I hated so much, a hypocrite.

Okay, coming to the end of my third year here...I still get hives when I think about the future. Some people really like the business world and what not...to be frank, I'm in it for the money. I am not personally invested in this at all. I don't find finance the slightest bit interesting. There's just not another career path that I'm interested in, so I just picked something I'm slightly good at with stable job opportunites. It's starting to reflect on how I look at my classes and life after college. But I've seen so many things that have really convinced me that I ended up at USC because I was supposed to. I would've never met all my buddies at the Shack, I probably wouldn't have gone to Japan, and I don't have that papier-mache faith that I used to have anymore. I have to believe that wherever I end up- whether it's somewhere I didn't expect at all, or exactly how I see it, chained to a cubicle until I'm 65 (in the good scenario, where I at least have a steady job)- it's where God meant for me to be, and if I do my best and give it everything I've got, I can do good there.

I'm afraid, but I'm not giving up. I'm just going to move forward.

Akiramenaide hatenai hatena...

2007-01-27T20:39:00.000-05:00

Means (very) roughly "don't give up until the end". Rapping in Japanese amuses me.

Today I was walking to Five Points, and I passed by that new apartment complex. I used to admire the yard, how the grass is so green even now. Anyway, I saw this guy in a truck stop in front of the yard, carrying this huge tube which was attached to it. Wanting to possibly witness the secret to the super-yard, I paused for a moment to see what he would do. Well, I found out the secret, all right- it turns out what was in the tube was green spray-paint. I laughed all the way to Food Lion.

I think it was a good idea to read Leviticus along with a commentary. Somehow taking these things in historical context helps it make a lot more sense. I think I've always looked at this from a big-picture perspective- you know, being able to appreciate Jesus' sacrifice for us more by studying all these rules and regulations the Israelites had to follow. But learning about why burnt offerings and grain offerings are different, for example, is really helping me understand it a little better as it applies to me(albeit in a very abstract fashion). Like, grain offerings were just to give thanks to God, often for a good harvest...but I wonder how much the Israelites would've remembered to thank God for something like that if they hadn't been commanded to. I know I'm prone to just jump in and take the good stuff that happens to me- and maybe God might get a quick thank you. But I'm so blessed right now- I should be thanking God every day for the life I have now. I like how important salt was in grain offerings, too. It was to remind the Israelites of God's promises to them, so it's kinda like when you're giving thanks, you can be sure that the best is yet to come. I like that.

I've been waiting all week to feel this way...

2007-01-26T19:58:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been obsessed in songs that have the word "lover" in them so I can mouth "luvaaah" in sync with them...don't ask.

I totally just passed out today. Although I don't know why...I don't think I've learned anything since classes started, so it's not like I'm working hard, ah ha ha ha...kinda need to work on that this weekend. Well, I did do my laundry last night...I've got a sick attachment to scented detergent. (I can't have any at home cause my daddy's sinuses are sensitive, so he doesn't like...smells... And the poor man has a Bath and Body Works junkie for a daughter...) And I also cleaned my room. I can see my floor now, yay. I cleaned up for my sister, but we ended up just talking on the street, so she never actually saw it... Oh, well. It was starting to get hard to find stuff...and I was falling over stuff and knocking stuff over all the time.

...Wait. I do that even when stuff's put away, don't I...?

Anyway. My sister came to give me some CD's I needed to reinstall Microsoft Office and my printer on my computer, since it crashed a couple of weeks ago...again. And I had to give her my verification of enrollment thingy for Dad's insurance thingy...Jennifer was picking at my multiple use of "thingy" last night, too... Anyway, we exchanged items, made a little small talk, and then Jennifer says, "...We're doing a drug deal on the corner."

"...Yeah, I was thinking that too."

Wide-eyed

2007-01-25T18:16:00.000-05:00

So today I passed out card thingies for the Shack. I was scared out of my wits, but I think I remembered to smile. But doing that kind of thing is good for me, I think. For some reason, I really want to move out of my comfortl zone this semester. I guess I feel like I've been spoon-feeding myself long enough, and it's time to get down to business. Anyway, I realized how little attention I pay to people I pass by every day going to class. People who've seen me pass by can vouch- 9 times out of 10, I honestly can't see or hear you, so calling out to me may result in embarrassment (although I'm getting better with that). I guess I really noticed that there were faces and stories attached to the people I was giving cards to...kinda makes you think.

Also, funny thing. I was talking about how Leviticus is the hardest book of the Bible for me to read...like, I really don't get the point of reading about all these sacrifices and ceremony that didn't seem to apply to my life now, and so on. Anyway, last night my Bible study girls gave me a Welcome Home bag, and in it was the book they had studied last fall while I was away- The Pursuit of Holiness by Jeff Bridges. I had seen it mentioned in the emails I got with prayer requests, and I honestly thought I wouldn't like it very much. You know how it is..."holy" is all well and good in the Bible, but talk about applying that to everyday life and you get visions of grim and strict...old people. But from the first chapter of this book, I was really interested. It's actually a really practical book, and I think I'm going to finish reading it on my own as part of my devotional time. But anyway, what this has to do with Leviticus, yeah. The author included part of Andrew Bonar's commentary on Leviticus in said first chapter...and it was interesting. I couldn't believe it. Then I got one of those weird slow grins I get sometimes, and I said, "You know what? I'm gonna read Leviticus again." I'm gonna look up some commentaries and what not to help me along, and I'm gonna get to it. I mean, it has to be in the Bible for a reason, right? I might as well get something out of it. So that is my goal for a while- to get something out of Leviticus.

Heh heh...wish me luck.

A short anecdote, or "To the left, to the left..."

2007-01-23T08:55:00.000-05:00

I was hopelessly behind in pop music when I got back to the States...I'm still not paying that much attention to it yet, but I digress. Anyway, because of that, the first time I was introduced to Beyonce's "Irreplacable" was because my mom was lamenting having the song stuck in her head. My mom, now. She definitely doesn't do BET or VH1 or whatever. She heard it one time when Beyonce was on the Today show and couldn't stop singing it. I thought she was kidding, but then she would start singing it under her breath without realizing it. There is just something inherently hilarious about my sweet, loving mommy singing in her sweet, gentle voice as she looks for clothesline in K-Mart, "You must not know 'bout me, you must not know 'bout me..."

I think that's one of the reasons I like the song. Cause I didn't like it when I first heard it.

That and it worms through your brain like a cancer after about the fourth listen...but hey, that's my song now. :D

Don't look da da da down...

2007-01-22T22:25:00.000-05:00

My mother correctly identified that as my favorite line in Travis' "Love Will Come Through" without me telling her just before I left for college. My mommy knows me so well...hee hee.

I keep starting to write, then stopping. Part of me wants to complain about classes, but there's no point in that. Regardless, I'm gonna do the work and most likely pass, so it's a little silly, not to mention selfish when there's people who struggle a lot more than I do here. There's the word of the day...selfish. I've felt extremely selfish lately. I feel like I have a little more confidence than when I left...I talk a little bit more...I think. (But still not that much...then I wouldn't be Liza, now would I?) But I feel so unsettled sometimes, just cause things are a little different. Everyone I left is the same, more or less (that is, I haven't fallen out with anyone cause of drastic personality changes). Circumstances have just changed, which is natural. I've even had the chance to make new friends, really fast too, which I'm thankful for.

To label my feelings and put a cute little bow on it, concisely: Things have changed. I've changed. I need to re-figure out where I fit in things. That freaks me out a little bit.

There.

Wow...

2007-01-16T22:13:00.000-05:00

Elmo's voice is done by a kinda strong looking black guy. I'm watching the guy on an interview right now, and all I can think is, "You know, now that I'm listening closely, Elmo does have some flava..."

I need to go to bed.

"Wow...I look like crap."

2007-01-14T22:27:00.000-05:00

Not the first thing you want coming to mind when you look in the mirror. But my hair's all wispy, my eyes are bloodshot...I had a migraine day today, and I ought to stay in bed on those days, but I had to go to Five Points for soap (from West Quad, now)... I'm disappointed because I was gonna start on a somewhat intense diet/exercise plan, but obviously my stress level is just too high right now, cause my body can't take it. Siccing migraines and dizziness on me...that's dirty. I thought I was going to pass out today...well, when classes really get underway and I'm used to my new surroundings, I can start, I guess. I just don't want to put this off for too long...it is way easy to talk yourself out of this sort of thing.

Anyway, I'm settled in my room now...I'm amazed at how clean it is in here. My room's a little bigger than last year...the common room's way bigger, but I don't use it much. (Well, I didn't use the common room in my last apartment that much either...) Everything looks almost the same (except the bookstore, which burped up a whole Starbucks while I was away, apparently...) Oh! Speaking of Starbucks...guess what they have here in the States now? Green tea frappucino (latte too, but I really like the frappucino)! That was one thing I was sad about leaving in Japan...ureshii... I wasn't expecting to see people until at least Tuesday, but I've already gotten to hang out with Stacie, and I saw Kayla and Brittany Jo and Dan...that made me really happy. I like my freedom, going where I want, when I want as much as possible, but I do get lonely sometimes...cause I like people, you know? :D Not just meeting new ones, but catching up with old ones too. I've fallen out of touch with almost everybody I knew in high school, some quite on purpose...somehow, I don't want college to be the same way.

Well, it's somewhat late (by normal people time. By college time, this is such a wussy hour to go to bed...), so I should probably go to sleep for the night... Last night was interesting. The TV or radio or something was on all night (or at least, every time I woke up, which was frequently), and then I was completely disoriented by the train, although it's thankfully much quieter from here than say, on the street...

I think I will learn not to be such a light sleeper.

Eventually.

...I hope.

I'm good! How are you?

2007-01-01T11:27:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year, peoples! Liza is cheerful and ready to do awesome stuff and see this year which is certain to be full of awesome and win.

...And she's starting it off by talking in the third person. Okay, she will stop now.

I feel like I accomplished a lot in 2006, and even if I just do a little more in 2007, I think that'll be great. I don't make New Year's resolutions because I tend to make resolutions all year round...and forget half of them, eh heh heh... Heck, I'm ready to go back to class and tackle those International Business classes. If I can just get through them, I'll have an awesome resume. Trying to figure out transportation...issues, since the only place I frequent that West Quad is close to is...the Strom.

......

But! Today is a good day. Even though it's raining and everything's not perfectly mapped out, it's a good day. Cause it's...life. And I 've still got 11 months of my 20th year of life to celebrate.

Sometimes God reminds me about how wonderful life is, even with all its ups and downs. I remember all the people, places, and things that make me so happy, and I can't help but feel humbled and really thankful to be alive.

Today is one of those days. So I'm gonna enjoy it.

...Cause it sure beats the emo days. Ha ha.

Christmas is five minutes away...

2006-12-24T23:55:00.000-05:00

...I'm kinda excited. Mostly sleepy, but excited. Today I actually saw the morning light. Coming back to America totally threw off my sleeping patterns, and I've been wide awake at like 2 and 3 in the morning and sleeping until 12...I'm just now finally sleeping through the night.

Don't have much to say...just wanted to write this down before I forgot. This kid at my home church had a G-Unit hat on, so of course it had a big G on the front. My mom (keep in mind this is the preacher's wife) asked him what the G stood for, and without missing a beat, he says, "Gracious."

...Kids today...they're too smart for their own good.

Boku wa kuma, kuma, kuma, kumaaaa...

2006-12-23T13:18:00.000-05:00

When I first heard that song, I was like, "How did such a cutesy song make it to Oricon's [Japanese equivalent of Billboard charts] Top 10 Singles list?" but now I know why, for two reasons:

1. Cause it's Hikki [Utada Hikaru, Liza's favorite Japanese singer and possibly favorite singer, period. And do not ask why Liza is suddenly referring to herself in the third person. She does that sometimes.]. Duh.
2. Cause that crazy song has permanently lodged itself on loop in my brain for no apparent reason.

Yesterday I accidentally carved a hole into my knuckle with my razor. I was putting up stuff and I had the bladed side against my fingers, which in hindsight was really kinda dumb... Anyway, I tripped, the razor scraped, and there goes my dermis. Those things really are sharp, because I literally just scraped my finger and I think I hit a vein. It was kind of funny because I wasn't in much pain at all but I was a little concerned because there was blood dripping down my finger and it wouldn't stop for a few minutes...

Yeah, I can be really clumsy sometimes. And yes, my finger and hand are okay now, although there's a little hole in my knuckle right now.

I'm trying to decide when I'll be coming back to Columbia. Not before the 9th of January, since that's when the dorms open, but probably the Saturday of that week...I dunno yet. I'll be in West Quad this semester...which is kinda difficult when you don't have a car...and you're a business major. And this time I'll have three new roommates who I won't know at all before moving in with them. I find it amusing that not only have I not had the same roommate every year, I did potluck every time. I got along pretty well with my last two roommates...let's hope the third time isn't when my luck finally runs out. :D

Grits is a simple dish, but it has a certain allure...

2006-12-18T10:17:00.000-05:00

I don't know why, but I really missed grits in Japan. And I don't even eat grits all that much... Anyway, I got back home yesterday. I was going to write this nice little goodbye post back in Hikone, but the Internet died...again. Alas.

I'm kinda rushed right now since I have to start my day, get my hair done, go shopping ("What do you want on the list, Liza?" "Chicken!" "What kind?" "All kinds!"), unpack, etc... but someday I will write a decent post.

Someday...

...Uh, yeah, this is the title...

2006-12-13T03:19:00.000-05:00

I'm at home. It's just like I remember it; not much has changed. I say something stupid and my sister gets mad at me...I feel bad cause I wanted to grow up a little and not make things so difficult at home. But things are good. I go back to my home church and everyone welcomes me back. Then I go back home and make dinner for my family like I used to...

Then I see an airplane land in my yard. I peek out of my front door window in disbelief...then realization hits. "What the- there is no way a frickin' airplane is going to land in front of my house! I'm dreaming, aren't I?!" 9 times out of 10, I either know I'm dreaming or realize it halfway through, so this isn't new to me. As the airplane touches down, I wheel around and storm back to my room, pissed off. I'm mostly pissed off because even though it's finally registered that this is a dream, it still feels so real. ...Yes, even with the airplane in my backyard. Just my luck that this had to be one of my rare, super-clear dreams. "Enough! Wake up, me! This just sucks!" Yes, that was said petulantly in the style of a three-year-old. I was probably pouting too.

I go right to my room and climb into bed, because for some weird reason, if I want to wake up, if I go to sleep in my dream, I'll wake up in real life. I shut my eyes and refuse to move, because as much as I want to go back and stay in this dream a little longer, I know it'll be that much worse when I inevitably wake up. When I open my eyes again and my vision clears, I'm back in my dorm at JCMU. It feels just as real as my dream did, but this...and the last leg of exams...is reality. I feel my heart sink, but I shake it off as best I can and go on through my day. Buying souvenirs/Christmas presents for the fam, studying for my tests, acquiring three new holiday songs (two of which were free and one of which was Ella Fitzgerald's "The Christmas Song", so it was so worth 99 cents, heh)...so I had a good, if normal, day today.

...But that dream really pissed me off. Seriously.

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...

2006-12-04T18:00:00.000-05:00

I swear, this is the longest I've ever celebrated my birthday. I started at 12:00 AM Saturday morning, and the festivities are still not over. Today we have cake...because my roomie is the best roomie in the whole wide world (It's cake, man...) She even got the little candy animals and "Tanjoubi Omedetou" sign I'd been having my eye on. And to think I wasn't going to celebrate that much at all...ha ha.

I guess it still feels like my birthday cause the Internet died Saturday afternoon while I was out and didn't get back up until Monday morning, so I'm still answering all the people who wrote on my Facebook wall. I figured since I've been so lax in letting people know I'm still alive while I've been in Japan (or been in college, in some cases), now's a good opportunity to at least say hi. So if you wrote me Happy Birthday, expect at least a "thank you" in the next few days.

I ended up doing some traveling on my birthday after all. Pretty much, I woke up, started on my studying, then said, "Screw this. It's my birthday. It's my birthday in frickin' Japan! I'm going to Kyoto! Yarr!" (Well, okay, I didn't say "yarr", but you get the picture.)

So I ate at the ramen shop down the road and hopped a train to Kyoto. I decided to go to Arashiyama this time, which is in the western part of Kyoto. It's got a kinda old-school feel to it, and there are kouyou (ridiculously red leaves) everywhere this time of year. Arashiyama is famous for them. It's pretty much the end of the season, so the leaves are falling, but I still got to see some spectacular scenery. As the sun was setting, I took a sightseeing train through the mountains by this beautiful river...it was gorgeous. Hiking from the sightseeing train station to the JR station in the cold wasn't so fun, but there was the orangest sunset I have ever seen, so I didn't really think about it. Fall is my favorite time of year, and the changing leaves are my favorite thing about it, plus I adore sunsets, so I was really thankful for that day. It was definitely a very awesome birthday.

One more thing- I bought some tinted lip balm here (Nivea, by the way...I didn't know they made lip care stuff...). What better way to add to my extensive lip balm/gloss collection (and feed my fetish) than to buy Japanese lip balm...? (Doesn't matter if I could probably buy something very close to it back in the States...it's Japanese.) I really like the subtle pink tint it gives my lips, and it moisturizes oh so well (which is sometimes hard to find in lip balms). But the best thing is definitely the name. Watering Lip- Pink Veil. Yes, it's in Engrish.

...I love Japan.

Melon bread is good...but warm melon bread is full of win and awesome.

2006-11-18T03:34:00.000-05:00

Remember that. It's a very important fact.

I went to see little kids (1st and 2nd graders) at this elementary school Friday...and I have pictures. Only because they're actually on my computer because the nice vice-principal gave us a CD. Ahem. Anyway...

This is me playing jan-ken-pon with a student. (Jan-ken-pon= rock-paper-scissors.) They put the kids in line and they each got a chance to play with one of us.

This is my profile pic on Facebook right now...we're still playing jan-ken-pon, even though you can't see our hands that well.

The kids sang and danced for us. Here is some sort of traditional dance, I think...sort of. (I love how that one kid's really feeling it.)

This time of year, many towns hold Autumn festivals, where they hold parades. Yesterday, the kids had their own mini-Autumn festival. People carry Shinto shrines through the streets, and the kids made their own version (that's what I'm holding up with Carl here). We marched around the gym a few times, yelling something (it started with a w...I think.)

Ah, the jan-ken-pon train...that was...interesting. Basically you play jan-ken-pon, and whoever loses gets behind the winner. So your train gets longer and longer, and the person at the front of the huge line in the end is like the jan-ken-pon master or something. Playing this with 50 hyper kids...you can imagine the pandemonium. But it was really fun.

"I want that one." Caught me right in mid-point, lol. Some of the students pressed flowers, and we got to pick out one. They put it on a small card and we could decorate it and take it home. I really like my little yellow flower. We also got some other small presents, like a hand-drawn panda and what I think is a paper cow. And leaves...they kept giving me leaves. I have the biggest brown leaf ever sitting in my room right now. All in all, I had a great time. It made me feel better after a not-so-stellar week academically. I think I'm just in a dummy slump. My brain's just burned out for the moment. It'll pass.

Found my alien registration card. That made me very happy. Mostly cause I kinda need it to get out of the country...eh heh heh.

I hate technology, but not as much as Jennifer...

2006-11-11T02:43:00.001-05:00

I was thinking about Napoleon Dynamite when I wrote that. So we finally got a LAN system for the Internet, yay...

...but my network card has died. Boo. No Internet for me, unless I use the computer room...

My sister has it worse than me, though. She took her computer to the tech people at her school, and they basically told her her hard drive was slowly dying and she needed to back up all her stuff as soon as possible.

.....

I am glad I at least have the Internet now, even though I`d rather use my own computer. I can still blog and stuff, along with keeping up with my online classes. Speaking of...I got a 95 on my midterm in my business class. Yay...I haven`t seen a 90-something in too long.

My birthday`s in... *counts on fingers* ...three weeks. Three weeks from today, actually. (Today being Saturday afternoon for me). I haven`t decided whether I`m actually doing something for my birthday this year...I kinda don`t feel much like celebrating it right now. I guess I already gave myself a huge present by going to Tokyo, and I know that nothing else I could do could come close to topping that. Maybe I`ll buy myself a JJ (stylish college girl magazine) for research purposes and buy a cute outfit. I`m thinking about baking a cake in one of the community ovens (the only ones big enough), but we`ll see. I`m thinking a lot about Christmas, and home...I`m not terribly homesick, but I think of all the reunions I`ll have and I smile big.

Quote of the Day

2006-11-07T06:12:00.000-05:00

Taken from "The Hip-Hop Prayer Book" of New York Episcopal Church in the South Bronx, the beginning of Psalm 23 paraphrased...

"The Lord is all that, I need for nothing, he allows me to chill."

Okay, I admit it, I giggled a little bit. And in case someone thinks I'm making this up... the proof.

The most wonderful time of the year...?

2006-11-07T02:49:00.000-05:00

Japan is trying to force Christmas on me.

Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas. I adore Christmas. The Christmas season is my absolute favorite time of year, where there's warm homes and warm hearts, hot cocoa and singing Christmas carols with the people you love. I really believe that because it's coming to the time we celebrate Jesus' birth, people 's hearts begin to warm, Christian or not. That's what I love most about it.

However...it started about two days before Halloween. I walked into Beisia and I saw...a Christmas display. I ignored it. I walked away. "No, it's not even Halloween yet..." I mean, they had a Halloween display up too in the front, but...

It only got worse once Halloween was out of the way. It started creeping up on me slowly...a placard advertising Christmas cakes (which are really pretty but frickin' expensive here), the occasional Christmas display in stores in Kyoto and Tokyo...that Christina Aguilera Christmas song playing in Beisia...

I knew it was over when I went to Beisia today and I heard "This Christmas" over the speakers. A J-Pop, very Engrish "This Christmas". I have given up. I am officially bringing out my Christmas music and looking for a modest wreath to stick on my door.

...It's gonna be kinda awkward when it gets to Thanksgiving. (We're having a dinner here at JCMU, but most Japanese don't celebrate it, of course.)

[Totally unrelated: I like to buy things here that I will probably never see in the US...like Pepsi Gold. I don't think America is ready for a Pepsi that looks like pee.

....Then again, there's Red Bull...]

Yes, I'm okay.

2006-11-03T06:31:00.000-05:00

For those who have been keeping tabs on me, yes, I went to Tokyo today. Yes, I'm back at JCMU in one piece. Exhausted, but in one piece. I officially dub my excursion the "Turbo Tokyo Trip"- you really weren't meant to visit Shinjuku, Shibuya, and Harajuku all in one day...and I had to cut some stuff out, but I saw everything I really wanted to.

-In Shinjuku, I finally got to eat at a Mos Burger. It's a frou frou burger/frou frou coffee shop. (I had a teriyaki burger and a cafe latte...hee hee hee.) I also went to a garden and saw lots of crysanthemums and lily pads as big as half of me...no joke.
-In Shibuya, I got to see Hachiko (famous dog statue), I went to Tower Records (which is huge and has seven floors; used to be the biggest in the world), and I got to be part of the famous Shibuya pedestrian pandemonium not once, but two times. (At the intersection in front of the station, the traffic signal will occasionally make a four-way stop and this huge mass of people will just start walking really fast in all directions...it's crazy).
-In Harajuku, I saw all these really cool, trendily (is that a word?) dressed high school kids...I kinda felt under-dressed. They had the most awesome shops and at least two malls...but I can't even afford the stuff they sell out of a trailer set up on the street in Harajuku...literally. I also went to this art museum stuck randomly in front of Laforet...but it was really cool. I got a poster with some of the woodblock paintings reproduced on it. Then I saw a procession on the street. There were women singing and some Buddhist monks hitting a drum...they were protesting war (I suppose the war in Iraq). A couple of guys got really mad and started yelling, and at least one of them got arrested. Everyone was just kinda shocked, since this happened right in front of Harajuku Station...anyway, you know the drill. Someday I will post pictures, etc.

But right now, my brain has just exploded, so if you'll excuse me, I need to go clean that up...

To get everyone in the fall spirit...a present from me to you.

2006-10-26T18:27:00.000-05:00

Mmm...just makes you hanker for pumpkin, doesn't it?

Honestly, the only thing more disturbing than the grill on this guy is the fact that his name is Cuddles.

...No, I'm not making that up.

A really cool commercial...

2006-10-23T01:04:00.000-05:00

Erin wrote about this on her blog earlier, and I just saw it. I was totally entranced by the bouncing balls everywhere, and she was right- the frog is definitely the best part. Thanks, Erin (and the person who put this up on YouTube too, of course...)

What have I created...?

2006-10-23T00:41:00.000-05:00

So I haven't really made American food since I got here...when I do cook, I make Japanese dishes cause it's easier to find the ingredients. Anyway, today I decided I was going to make buffalo wings. I had to fry instead of bake the chicken because we have a piddly-small oven that shouldn't even be called an oven cause there's no way in Hades you could cook anything in that...anyway. That went well. Making the sauce went well also (hey, it was just hot sauce and margarine. Strangely, spreadable margarine is cheaper than stick margarine here...) It's just that there's only two kinds of hot sauce in Besia: Tabasco (Tabasco is even served in Western-style restaurants) and Louisiana habanero hot sauce. I figured Tabasco would probably be a bad idea, so I got the Louisiana. I eat the regular kind all the time, and I knew habanero would be spicier than that, but I didn't realize how spicy. I mean, I've been putting small amounts in my curry since I got here, so I didn't think it'd be a problem.

So I finished, and it looked all pretty and smelled good...

...And then I took a bite out of one.

Let me explain. I don't exactly eat jalapeno peppers like pickles, but I think I have a pretty high tolerance for spicy food. I thought two things at once: "Wow, this tastes really good" and "Aaaah! My mouth's being ripped off my face!!" Five minutes later, my mouth was still burning. Apple juice was the only thing that could ease the pain. I just had to sit still at my little table for a while to recover, taking deep breaths like I had been through some kind of battle. "Those are the devil's wings..." I thought.

"....But you know, that was pretty good. I want another one."

...Like I said, they were really good, after all.

The state of my mind today...part 2.

2006-10-22T18:14:00.001-05:00

Two words: PANDA TOWERRR!!

...Yeah...I really need to take a nap today.

Everyone should have a sheep pillow.

2006-10-22T07:48:00.000-05:00

Sheep pillows= love.

Yes, every button and bar on my computer is pink.

The brand of said pillow is "Fuwawa Mori"...Fluffy Forest.

I'm half dead right now...therefore not talkative. Someday I will write a real post.

...Someday.

Various and sundry pictures (finally)

2006-10-14T02:01:00.000-05:00

So, sometime ago I went to Hikone Castle. (Was it three weeks ago? A month? Meh...) Without any further ado, here are the pictures.

This is the gate you walk through as you go towards the outer moat and the road that will take you to Hikone Castle. The outer moat circles the center of Hikone, and Shiga University is on the other side of it.

This is a memorial marker for a nobleman who lived here. He was like the 14th of 17 children or something...talk about getting the short end of the stick. His house is behind the marker, and you can see part of it in the picture.

This is just cause I like Shiga Prefecture's mascot. You go, cute little white samurai kitty-thingy. At least, I think it's a kitty thingy. Since it's got whiskers.

This is some of the (many) steps that go up to the castle. The steps are purposely rough and uneven so you have to concentrate on your steps. One of the many tactical maneuvers that went into building the castle.

(By the way, that's the tour guide and the back of Dr. Meier, our resident director's, head. Dr. Meier looks a whole lot like Colonel Sanders. I kid you not.)

The bridge that goes not quite to the actual castle. It goes at an angle so that you can't see directly in front of you and people can hide and attack. That's smart...

The castle, at last. It was smaller than I thought it'd be, but it's pretty, isn't it?

Yay, pretty little Japanese garden next to the castle. Several parts of the garden were inspired by several beautiful views in China. This is one of them.

Sign in the top floor of the castle. When I asked the tour guide what it meant, she explained that it says that in case of fire, you should tie the ladder stored around here around one of the posts and climb out of the window.

....Bit too extreme sight-seeing for me.

Oh, this was cool. This is actually a picture of the roof. You can see a tiny little stage here. The nobility could watch performances from here. A ninja could also hide out here in case of attack and totally pwn you. Really, that's what our tour guide said, paraphrased.

...That's so cool....

Finally, I leave you with the stairs of doom. There were two sets of stairs inside the castle that were more like ladders. It was crazy. I wanted to get a picture of people coming down these stairs so you can see just how steep it is.

Next time, moon-viewing festival. And I went to Shiga University Friday, so I have a few pictures from that too.

2006-10-11T04:14:00.000-05:00

I just finished drying my hair, so it is now a black half-straight, half-fuzzy cotton ball sitting on my head. But it's comfy. I have the strange desire to leave it like this for some reason...but something tells me if a friend comes over and I answer the door looking like Diana Ross, I will permanently scar said friend.

...I am letting you know in advance. I'm going to go down my Facebook list and poke every last one of my friends (except those few strange people that I don't really know and I wonder now why I even added them...). For no good reason. No matter how long it takes.

...I really need to upload those pictures.

...And talk about Kyoto.

....Buuut I better not until the weekend. I should be studying right now, after all.

...I will put it on my planner so that I'm serious about this this time.

...Really.

Fun, Fun, Fun

2006-10-07T11:46:00.000-05:00

I just got back from a moon-viewing festival in Kyoto...it was awesome. But stupid me didn't bring my camera...ugh. Anyway, I'll probably write an in-depth post tomorrow, but I'm super-sleepy now. As a preview of that, I just want to say I successfully rode the train and bus to Daikakuji, but somewhere on the train getting back, something went very wrong. And some time later...

"What the heck are we doing in Osaka?! Waah!"

Yeah... if you take the super rapid service train, Osaka is thirty minutes away from Kyoto...

In the other direction.

And yes, I will post the pictures of Hikone Castle...sometime.

I hope.

I liiiive!

2006-10-06T18:44:00.000-05:00

...Just wanted to say that. That's what it feels like coming out of this week. It's not so much that I was busier this week as that my sleeping patterns got thrown off and I haven't had a decent night's sleep all week. Sleeping till 8 was a good feeling. :)

Oh, I went on a mad shopping spree on allofmp3 the other day...see, I went there for the sole purpose of snagging "Paranoid Android" by Radiohead (I love that song...ironically, I first heard it on an anime. Ergo Proxy...makes little sense to me, but I still love it.).

Then I heard "Idioteque", which I ironically first heard on an AMV (anime music video, where people manipulate scenes from an anime to go with a song. They can come out really cool or really funny.), and I had to get that too.

Then I felt nostalgic, so I bought the first pop song I ever actively listened to ("Sunny Came Home" by Shawn Colvin) and "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole (I don't know why the heck I love that song so much, but I doodly doodly do).... I got "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap and "Krwlng" (a remix of "Crawling") by Linkin Park, too.

...Then I saw that John Mayer's new CD was out. So 5 songs from there... ("Bold as Love" is probably my favorite...although I like "I Can't Trust Myself (With Loving You) too. Actually, I like all 5 songs I got a whole lot.) His sound's a little different this time around...he's definitely been influenced by the John Mayer Trio thing he did, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

...Then I saw that Evanescence's new album was out, so 9 songs from there... (still as depressing as ever, although the last song comes very, creepily close to almost happy...but doesn't make it, of course. "Lithium" is probably my favorite, although I like "Like You" a lot too, although that's a really, really, REALLY depressing song...I mean, seriously...Evanescence should not be allowed to write about death. They're already depressing enough...)

....Then I saw that The Killers' new CD was out.

So of course, I had to get the whole CD. I reaaaally like the Killers. "For Reasons Unknown" is definitely my favorite song on this CD. It sounds pretty much the same as Hot Fuss, which makes me happy.

This is my state of mind right now...

2006-10-03T05:57:00.000-05:00

Yeah...really need to get some sleep right now.

YATTA!

2006-10-01T22:01:00.000-05:00

(Japanese exclamation of delight)

I got my test back today, and I got a 89.65. Very, very close to a 90...I was so happy.

Plus, I also got my debit card today, and it works! Now I'm officially an independent ryuugakusei (student studying abroad).

Today is a good day.

Daisuuuki Sunday Morning...

2006-09-30T20:11:00.000-05:00

There's a song on Utada Hikaru's CD Ultra Blue called "Nichiyou no Asa" [Sunday Morning]. That song has been stuck in my head for the past day and a half, but that's a good thing. I like how in the pre-hook, above some tranquil vocalizing, Hikki says what I guess are things she loves in English. "Cloudy morning, ice cream toppings, music's playing... High street shopping, chocolate cravings, baby's crying." (You have to wonder if the babies crying may point to something sinister under the surface, but anyway... *whistles*) I found myself singing the first line of the first verse just now. "Daisuki [I love] Sunday morning..." Then I realized it was Sunday morning (for me, anyway) and I started laughing.

Cause the truth is, I really do love Sunday morning.

.... twiddles fingers

2006-09-30T19:31:00.000-05:00

Yeah...yesterday I was totally zoned out...like all day...

...And then the Internet died...

Anyway! Pictures, yes?

This is my ikebana (flower arrangement) project. ...It looked a whole lot better in the academic building, but oh, well... It was really cool, cause we had these ceramic pots and you put a little spiked thingy in there and impaled the flower stalks on them...And then you had to put the big green background things so they made a triangle no matter what angle you looked at them from, and you had to think about the center flower and the complimenting flowers. As the week went by, my flowers bloomed, and the look of my arrangement shifted naturally. It was really cool...

Tea ceremony- really interesting, but murder on your legs if you're not used to sitting seiza (like our hostess is in this picture, with your legs tucked under you). This is the tatami room inside the academic building. The floor is very delicate, so we can't even wear slippers in here, and we use it only for special things like the tea ceremony.

...The flash made this stuff look radioactive or something... Anyway, this is called matcha. It's a fine powder made from ground-up green tea leaves. You mix this up with hot water to make the tea for the ceremony. (You can also go to Starbucks and get this mixed up with ice, milk, and sugar to get an awesome blended Frappucino...one of the things I will truly miss about Japan...sigh. But I digress.)

Behold the instruments of the tea ceremony! Only the hostess has to worry about these things, and we just have the tea served to us. But, the little tiny ladle thing is to spoon out the matcha (you can see a little bit of it still on the tip), the thing that looks like a whisk is to stir it (you really have to stir fast, like you were beating an egg), and the cloth is to clean the cup.

Oh, and this is just our uber-cool rock garden. Just wanted to share that.

Next time: the buttload of pictures from Hikone-jo (Hikone Castle).

Yeah, I know I keep saying it, but...

2006-09-29T22:20:00.000-05:00

...pictures will be later. Definitely today, but later.

I just wanted to say I may have found my birthday present this year. It'll be a month early but...

JCMU will reimburse us for about $60 USD if we go on a student-directed field trip. We can go anywhere we want as long as we go to three or four places of cultural/historical significance.

...I want to go to Tokyo. I could so take a train and go to Tokyo.

Of course, it would cost about $240 USD for the train there and back...a bus wouldn't be that much better, and it'd take even longer. So I don't know, but I'm seriously considering it. At least I get a $60 discount if I do it through the school. I've been playing around with an itinerary (I might not get to do everything, but...):

-Take the train from Hikone Station with three connections to Harajuku Station
-Visit Takeshita Dori (super-chic shopping street) and Laforet Harajuku (seven-stories high mall skyscraper, probably the inspiration for Gwen Stefani's song "Harajuku Girls")
-Visit Meiji Jingu (Shinto shrine), and the Ota Memorial Museum of Art (traditional Japanese paintings), take a walk down Omote-sando Avenue to see the awesome greenery there
-Visit Yoyogi Park (the site of the first Japanese powered aircraft flight and now a good place for people-watching) and NHK Studio Park (where, if you're lucky, you can even see a show being taped and meet your favorite Japanese TV celebrities)
-Walk along Koen Dori (another chic shopping street) before catching the train back with three connections to Hikone from Shibuya Station

So yeah...besides the "I could get lost so easily" factor, it'll cost at least $249 just to get there (train and admission to the art museum and NHK Studio Park). Not to mention that Tokyo food is expensive and I'll probably end up buying at least one souvenir... Oh, well. Even if I don't end up going to Tokyo, I'm definitely going to take advantage of this reimbursement thing. I'm gonna go somewhere cool...hee hee.

Starting off with the pictures...

2006-09-29T05:30:00.000-05:00

Please excuse the quality...forgot to resize these pictures properly.

Hikone on a cloudy day.

You know, this looks really depressing...but it's really not that bad. Really.

The place where I shop a lot. This is actually one of the stores in Cainz Mall. It's like an old-school Wal-Mart (you know, like minus the super). Beisia is in this mall thingy too.

Yeah...this picture doesn't need to be any bigger. That's the squid they sell in Beisia. Right next to the beef jerky. I kid you not.

Now, I should be off to bed. I haven't slept properly all week, and my brain is zipping off in all directions. I'll post more pictures tomorrow, ok? :)

Note on My Blog

2006-09-29T04:53:00.000-05:00

Yeah...still haven't done those pictures. Tomorrow.

Really.

Anyway, I switched to Blogger Beta, so I changed my template again (a little bit of pink is back, yay), which is why the links are missing. Well, I need to update them anyway... I'm currently in the process of redoing them and adding labels to all my past posts, so you can reminisce by category. I really must be bored.

Somewhere in between all that, a picture post will surface.

Really.

A Lot of Thought

2006-09-28T05:13:00.000-05:00

Yes, aforementioned pictures are forthcoming.

Yes, I suck.

Today I bought two CD's. One was Ultra Blue by Utada Hikaru, which was everything I expected and then some. Hikki is definitely one of my favorite singers, and this CD was full of the cosmo slightly synth-infused pop that she shines in.

The other CD I bought was Beautiful Awakening by Stacie Orrico. That...was kinda not what I was expecting. I've been following Stacie since her Genuine days. Genuine came out in 2000, and it was most definitely a R&B-infused "Christian" album...only one of the songs was not about God.

Most people started hearing about Stacie when she made it on the mainstream pop charts with her self-titled album, which dropped in 2003. "Stuck" and "(There's Gotta Be)More to Life" both did well, and I was really happy for her. That time, about half of the songs mentioned God explicitly, and the other half were like generic songs about life and relationships.

So Beautiful Awakening doesn't come out stateside until January, but it dropped about a month ago here in Japan and in the rest of Asia and Europe, so I bought a copy. The music was everything I had expected. Stacie thankfully stopped with the experimental rock/pop hybrid and went back to her R&B roots. I could also tell she's been working with some really good voice coaches since I heard her back, because her already impressive voice is even better, although she's not making full use of her range. However, the lyrics...

...Let me say, first of all, that I am convinced that Stacie is just as strong a Christian as she was when Genuine came out. In interviews, she has no problems talking about her faith, and the lyrics in Beautiful Awakening have no themes that would indicate anything different. Listening to her podcasts, I know her heart's in the right place. I'm definitely less of a prude about this sort of thing than I used to be, but I have to admit, I'm a little concerned that...

1. The album art is kinda...provocative. There's no ridiculous cleavage or really short skirts, and it's way more toned down then the average pop princess, but the poses are slightly provocative, and it's safe to say Stacie is showing more skin than she was in 2003. The cover for the "I'm Not Missing You" single...more cleavage than I would've liked, even if it wasn't as bad as others and was slightly covered by jewelry.

2. There's no mention of God like anywhere. There's one song with Christian undertones, and one with a kind of moral theme (but that deserves its own point further down...). I have no problem with songs that aren't about God, of course, and there are plenty that I like better than a whole lot of Christian music, but this is a striking change from her last album. To her credit, the lyrics themselves are a whole lot less corny than last album, and even though they focus on relationships, they talk about a lot of different issues rather than rehashing the "oh, I love you" theme over and over... When you hear her commentary on "Beautiful Awakening", you know she's talking about finding peace with God, even if she doesn't say it explicitly.

3. "I Can't Give it Up". The song that I predict, when it is released in the US, will cause a ridiculous amount of controversy in the Christian community. Pat Robertson will disown her and rue the day he ever let her on "The 700 Club". The ironic thing is that at its core, it's about celibacy before marriage.

The thing about this song is that it's honest. Bluntly, brutally honest enough to make me blush. Like "Boy, what was I thinking when I move like that...bump and grinding, can't stop now, got you breathing" kind of honest. But Stacie makes it clear in the bridge what point she's trying to make. "But there's much more than a night of ectasy, I need commitment with a diamond, then I'm yours to be your fantasy." In her podcast commentary on this song, Stacie says that she was trying to present a realistic viewpoint, that there aren't just two extremes of sexuality where you're either perfectly pristine and totally afraid of your sexuality or flashing your sexuality to the world by showing off everything and sleeping around. Well, it is really honest...to be honest, I'm personally on the fence about this song, although I applaud her for writing so honestly. I think it's a little bit too honest...

I think that when this CD comes out in America, about half of the Christian community is going to turn their back on Stacie, possibly more. Her single's been out on iTunes for a few months, and there's already people who are pissed. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Personally, I think what Stacie's trying to do (which is reach a bigger audience while not selling out completely) is good. Still, I don't think I completely agree with it. If this is the "real Stacie" we're seeing now, that's all well and good, but if this is Virgin Records slowly getting to her, then I'm worried. Whether she's selling out right now is totally a matter of how liberal/conservative you are in these matters, but I hope she never crosses that line where even the most liberal Christian has to say, "Enough is enough." So anyway, if you would, pray for Stacie, that she would make the right decisions and listen to her heart and God's guidance in the direction her career's going. Also, for strength, cause when this album drops in the US, I think she's going to have a really tough time.

Just to let you guys know...

2006-09-26T05:04:00.000-05:00

I will definitely post on the weekend. It's just that I went to Hikone Castle and I took a buttload of pictures and it's going to take a while to sort out the blog-worthy ones. Then I'll talk about the tea ceremony and all that.

Oh, I bought my first two touristy things today. I got a Cookie magazine, which is a manga anthology magazine, cause I love NANA (manga in there). It came with the cutest little plastic file folder with a kitty that said "All girls need NANA." I squeed. It was purple, but I squeed anyway. I also bought a T-shirt for 500 yen (less than $5 USD). It's black and long-sleeved, and it says in big flowing script on the front, and I quote...

"The day of destined battle."

My shirt pwns all.

This is somewhat disturbing...

2006-09-22T01:36:00.000-05:00

Found this video today...

Bow before the TMX...the evil spawn of Tickle Me Elmo.

I did flower arranging and a tea ceremony today...more on that to come..with pictures.

2006-09-15T19:50:00.000-05:00

The only times my life really makes any sense...

...are the times when I'm with You.

It's deja vu all over again...

2006-09-15T08:43:00.000-05:00

Apple really needs to test their iTunes updates before they send them out to the world...this is the second time I've pulled my hair out trying to get it to work after an update, which is supposed to make the application better in theory, not worse.

I've given up this time. Apparently, if I don't open anything else (and I mean anything), it works fine. But if I try to check my email or something, it starts skipping by a millisecond or so. Which makes it staticky and skippy and sounding remarkably like an old record. It'd be fascinating if it wasn't so aggravating. Just one small headache to finish off a day filled with little headaches. Long story short, my debit card (only source of money) is damaged, and I have to wait until the bank sends my mom a new one and she sends it to me... Don't worry, I have food and enough money to live off of for at least another week if I'm frugal, and my mom's sending me some more emergency money for the interim... I just had to cancel a trip to Osaka this weekend, and I may not be able to do the flower arranging class next week...so I'm a little perturbed. That and I didn't do so hot on my test this morning...but I think I'm being too hard on myself grades-wise. I am studying more than I've ever studied before right now, and I really am doing the best I can. I just don't like the feeling of not quite measuring up...it seems I am always running as fast as I can from that feeling.

Even in another country.

Although, back to iTunes, I will say that once this bug is fixed, I'll like this new version. The automatic searching for artwork is really handy, especially since I lost all that in the great hard drive crash/Poddy's official death/Liza's great divorce from technology tragedy of this summer...

I'm serious. I was a mess for like three days.

Over a computer and a MP3 player.

Finally, more pictures!

2006-09-09T03:18:00.000-05:00

Behold, pictures of JCMU when it's quiet. (A large group went to Kyoto today...I was stuck doing laundry. Curse you, opening ceremony...)

This is what you see when you step into my apartment. You have to take off your shoes when you get inside the building, and then take off your slippers inside someone's apartment. The big blue ugly ones are mine...I couldn't find any pretty ones in my size, alas.

Behold my sliding door!

And here's my room. Bigger than my USC room, so I'm not complaining...

...The "view" from my window. Nice power line!

I live on the second floor, so here's the pretty staircase...

This is where we put our outside shoes.

And this is the sign above it...with several student-added addendums. Very bottom: "Or underwear". Bottom left: "And mothers". Top right: "And souls".

This is the bike shed. I don't know why they made us get bike locks...nobody wants these crappy things. :D I swear, my kickstand is ornery and rusty...

Normally, you'll see some people here, but yeah, a rare empty lobby. The couches are super-comfy. Not as comfy as the Shack couches, of course. (I don't think there is such a thing...heh.)

I survived...!

2006-09-07T20:11:00.000-05:00

I've spent the last few days studying at a blistering pace for today's weekly test in Japanese. This week was a "review" of Level 1, but as the book I used at USC didn't get into half of the things this system did, I basically had to learn a textbook's worth of kanji, grammar, and vocabulary in three days.

I seriously thought I wasn't going to make it.

But somehow, when I got in class this morning, everything made sense. Even though I was one of the last people to finish, I definitely knew what I was doing. So I have hope. I just needed to catch up, that's all.

I had this weird thing called oyako-don yesterday...it's chicken, egg, and onions over rice. ...The chicken looked quite dubious, and the egg was soggier than I thought it'd be, but it was good. Some people and I made curry a few days ago, but it was more like stew cause we kept dumping all this stuff in there. Then we had an Ouran High School Host Club (anime) marathon....fun times.

It turns out there's panels in the ceiling that open up, and people stuff things in there, so last night a lot of us went through our ceilings, seeing what we would find. A guy seemed to live before us, because we found two pairs of shorts and a comforter in a manly plaid pattern, along with unused cleaning supplies, a boogie board, and flip-flops with smiley faces. Oh, yeah...and a lot of trash and beer bottles too. The legal drinking age here is 20, but most establishments and supermarkets don't bother to card you, so I could probably waltz over to the convenience store and buy some beer if I wanted to. ...Of course, the last thing I need is a hangover in the morning when I have to study.

Oh, I saw something that made me happy the other day. I was in Beisia (too lazy for the upside down e), and I saw the most beautiful thing...

Oreos. Real Oreos.

I shed a tear.

Aizawa-sensei had mercy on me.

2006-09-04T03:16:00.000-05:00

I got into Level 2! Yay!

...But I have homework already...and class tomorrow.

Boo...

The mailman rides a Vespa...

2006-09-03T23:10:00.000-05:00

Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Saw him today.

I did a craptastic job on my placement test...unless Aizawa-sensei (program director) takes pity on me, I'm on my way to Level 1...which may or may not earn me credit when I get home. Ugh. I find out this afternoon.

I went to a Western-style restaurant called Coco's today. We got something called a mixed pizza- one part had ham or bacon or something, one part had yellow and green peppers, one part had some kind of green leaf (it wasn't spinach), and the other part had mushrooms, but they were whole little mushrooms, stems and all.

....Eventually I will take pictures. When I am settled. Really.

Made me chuckle...

2006-09-03T18:16:00.000-05:00

I bought a roll thing yesterday, but I couldn't make out the katakana on the package. I was pleasantly suprised to find butter in the middle. Anyway, I finally figured out what it's called this morning- Soft Fresh.

Somehow, that tickles me.

My belly's full...butterflies are gone.

2006-09-03T01:45:00.000-05:00

I just survived my first sit-down restaurant. It's one thing to get food from a supermarket or convenience store, where you just pick out where you want and you don't even really have to talk...but when you have to pick out and tell the person what you want....ooogh.

I went to a ramen shop, which I guess was fitting. I was very close to going to McDonald's, where I could at least figure out katakana and possibly have an easier time, but that was far out there and I wasn't quite sure of my abilities yet. Champon Ramen is right down the street from the center. I read somewhere that every ramen shop has their own recipe for soup, and that's how they get and keep customers. Thankfully, there was a picture menu, so all I had to do was point to the picture and the size and say, "Kore wo kudasai (This, please)." It was called kotteri ramen. It was ramen in a soup with lots of mung bean sprouts and green onions and two big slabs of pork and seaweed on the side. It was really good. I would've eaten it all, but it was way too big. The small bowl was huge, and you can get two bigger sizes than that. That's crazy, man...

Today is a good morning.

2006-09-02T17:23:00.000-05:00

I woke up today, rode my bike to Lawson's, a convenience store, and I got some vitamins...which are twice as expensive as they are over here. Uh...I think I'll be taking those every other day.

Anyway, picking up from where I left off yesterday, I got to Kansai airport, where I was dead tired. Luckily, everything was in English and Japanese. I went through Immigration and Customs, then I met the other students. I exchanged my money to yen, had my luggage shipped to JCMU, then bought a train ticket. Finally we got on the Haruka Limited Express, which took us through Osaka and Kyoto all the way to Hikone. It took about two and a half hours. I was conked out most of the way, but I was amazed at all the lights in Osaka. I saw karaoke bars and pachinko parlors and kids in school uniforms making their way home...it was really cool.

When we got to Hikone Station, I immediately got into a taxi with three other people, where they drove us to JCMU (we had to tell the driver "Mishigan Sentaa", which is what the locals call it). That wasn't too long, thankfully, and soon I was in my room, where I made up my bed, called home, and promptly went to bed.

My room is a Japanese-style apartment thing. I have my own room, as does my roommate, and we have a common room with a stove and sink and a bathroom. I'll take pictures after I've cleaned up and put away all my stuff, but my room has a sliding-style door. The bed is sorta Japanese style (read: low to the floor and really hard), and I have a modest closet, some drawers, and a desk. Ironically, this room is considerably bigger than my room at USC last year...

Anyway, it's all about conservation here. We have a spending limit on utilities and we have to pay any extra, so we cut corners wherever we can. You have to turn on the hot water with this little control panel (you can adjust the temperature), and the toilet has two ways to flush: if you push to the left, you get a bigger flush than the one to the right. (I thought it was cute that the ways to flush are marked with the kanji for "big" and the kanji for "little", respectively.) Air conditioning is really expensive here, so I try to keep it off as much as possible. Right now, all I have is a little fan. It's about as hot as it is in Columbia right now, but it's even more humid. I turn on the air conditioning when it gets too stuffy inside.

I went shopping yesterday at Beisiə (pronounced Bay-sha), which is almost like the Japanese equivalent of Wal-Mart... They had clothes, groceries, music, books, and magazines. I bought melon bread and a bottle of water... I also bought a drink called Dakara, which was kinda like sweet lemon water... (dakara means "so" or "therefore" in Japanese, so I'm not sure why it's called that.) Today's my free day, so I might go exploring with someone. We'll see. I need to study too...the placement test for language is tomorrow, and I seriously need to get into Level 2...

Yeah...melon bread doesn't taste a thing like melon.

2006-09-02T04:27:00.000-05:00

It's good, though. (It's like a slightly sweeter Hawaiian sweet roll, Jennifer...you'd probably enjoy it. *cough*Breadfetish*cough*)

Greetings, all. I survived the plane ride, and now I'm here in beautiful Hikone, where I just got back from an exhilarating bike ride through town. (And it's 6 PM over here, so no, I'm not crazy and riding around in the dark.) It's about as big as Columbia, so it's a size I'm used to. And get this...they have a McDonald's, a 7-Eleven, a YMCA, and a Starbucks. I was so happy to see those signs...

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Flying wasn't too bad at all. I actually enjoyed the ride to Detroit, and even the one to Osaka, although I was sick as a dog the first four or five hours. The lack of sleep finally caught up to me, and I got one of those killer migraines I get. It's like someone's putting a jackhammer to my head, and I'm sure I'm gonna blow chunks, and I know the only way to stop the migraine is to sleep, but of course I can't sleep because I'm so sick and finally I have to medicate myself so I can blissfully lose consciousness...

Then I'm physically weak for like 12 hours after that. Not fun. Especially when I still had a train ride and taxi ride after getting to the airport.

This is how my trip went:

I started off at Columbia Metropolitan. I almost missed my check-in because there was an accident at the interstate. Luckily, my flight was the first of the day, so the terminal wasn't busy. I had to say goodbye to my family immediately so I could go through Security and get right on the plane. I choked up a little bit, but I sucked it up.

I was a little bummed cause it was pouring, but when we took off and all I saw was white, it took my breath away. You couldn't see a thing but clouds, but those were some pretty clouds. It cleared up pretty quickly once we got some distance, though. I had window and aisle seat, so I got to watch us land in Detroit. It was so freaky seeing trees and houses like little toys, not to mention the little cars speeding down the interstate...

The Detroit airport is huge. It's so huge there's a tram to get to the farther gates on either side of the terminal. There's so many stores there that it's like a mini-mall. I ate at a Chili's. In the airport. They had like 10 different restaurants, including an Internet cafe, several clothing stores, stores for gadgets and magazines, duty-free stores, a store that sold Motown stuff, and a store that just sold Ford paraphernalia...

So you can believe your dear friend Liza got lost. Come on, I didn't make it to 2 of my classes my first day of classes at college. I can't even give decent directions to my own house from I-20. I ended up getting out of the main airport somehow, and I had to go back through Security. On the plus side, I got to see pretty much the whole airport. There was a freaky tunnel connecting the concourses that played this weird music, and the tunnel would change colors with the music... It was so weird.

They had this thing called the Religious Reflections Room. It was nice and dimly lit, and I spent a good bit of time in there freaking out a little bit and praying for peace and a safe journey.

Anyway, the international flight was almost posh, and I was just in coach. They gave us all headphones, and we could pick a channel and listen to different genres of music or listen to the audio of the movie that was playing (although I missed pretty much all of them because I was slipping in and out of consciousness at the time). They played Take the Lead, Ice Age: The Meltdown, RV, and She's the Man. The food was actually good; dinner was a three-course meal (although those were some teeny courses...). When we arrived in Osaka, I was exhausted and still slightly sick...but I still had a ways to go.

*takes a deep breath* But that's all for this time. I'll write more later.

Smile like you mean it...

2006-08-31T05:17:00.000-05:00

Well, off I go. In a few minutes, I'm headed to the airport for a two-hour ride to Detroit, then a 14-hour ride to Osaka. I'm excited...and freaking out. Pray for my safe journey- and that I calm down a little bit.

(I got aisle seats on both planes, though...score.)

I'm gonna miss all my buddies in Columbia...sniff sniff. I really appreciated being able to come back to Columbia two weeks ago, though. It reminded me that I'll have a place to come home to when I get back. I think God is gonna do something wonderful through the Shack while I'm gone, and it's going to be so awesome. I want you to know that the Shack and the people there are always in my thoughts and prayers, and I'll try to keep this blog updated with my escapades.

...Geez. This feels kinda like I'm about to jump off a cliff...hope my parachute works.

Shamuuu!

2006-08-09T09:12:00.000-05:00

Actual News Headline: "Four Penguins Die in Truck Accident."

I mourned for them. And after I had just dreamed about Sea World last night too... I dreamed they had this ride where a rocket thingy came out of the water like Shamu and did a backflip...

Never mind.

The people I'm applying to for my loan are nice. I don't mind being in debt to them for the next 15 years.

I am drawing a picture that just keeps getting more and more intricate. I really need to stop and just submit the thing to deviantART already...I'm getting antsy.

I got instructions from JCMU (place I'm going to in Japan) today. I grab my passport and look at my visa sometimes and giggle. I'm still a little freaked out, but I really want to enjoy my trip. I asked God to make me a little stronger this summer, even if it hurt.

Well, I feel stronger...and it sure as heck hurt. :D

Somedaaaay my prince will come...

2006-08-08T09:32:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I watched Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (Disney version) as an assignment for my Captivating journal. It was nice seeing it again, and my favorite song was and will always be "Someday My Prince Will Come". It's such a sweet song...makes me go awww every time. Didn't remember Snow White being so domestic, though...I mean, I remember her cooking and cleaning vaguely, but dang... My favorite part is the end, where the prince sits Snow White on her horse and leads her away to a better place, that pretty castle in the distance...sigh.

Next, I will plan to watch Dumbo. Makes me blubber every time. That part where the mama elephant is locked up and has to rock her poor baby by sticking her trunk out of the bars...and that song. Oh, that song. Weeeeh....

Oh, I had a dream Saturday...I was a ninja, and I was about to go on a ninja mission, but I couldn't find my ninja clothes, so I was freaking out, but it was okay cause I just borrowed some from my ninja partner.

Don't ask. It was probably because I've been reading a lot of Naruto lately (ninja manga).

2006-08-07T09:24:00.000-05:00

Actual News Headline: "Psychic Says Panda is Pregnant."

I played Monopoly for the first time in years Saturday night. We lost the rules, but it was okay cause I had it all memorized...even how much money you're supposed to get. I was a Monopoly fiend back in the day. By the end of the game, I had all four railroads, Park Place and Boardwalk, and nearly half of the properties on the board...almost all sporting houses.

I have decided I won't rely on other people to validate me anymore. I will give what I can in a way that only I can, and some people will like it and some won't. And if they don't, it's okay. Everyone's different, so I won't force it on them. I'm tired of living in fear, or on pins and needles. I stood up to my dad yesterday. I was crying by the end, but I don't regret it. I won't let him insinuate that I'm less that what I know I am anymore. And he won't brush away my feelings as unimportant anymore. I don't care if he accepts them, but he will acknowledge them. So I am here...I will offer myself again, like I'm supposed to. And if you turn away or even push me away, I'll just get up and move on. Everyone won't be my friend, or understand me, or even like me. It's hard to admit that, but it's true of everyone, isn't it? I think that the sooner I accept that, really process that, the sooner I can find the courage to be my whole self...not hold back important parts of me. I'm not saying I'm just going to say everything that pops in my head...of course I'll be discerning and mindful of other people's feelings. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially the people I care about. But I will try to be more honest about who I really am. On a good day, I want to be kind and helpful and calm, but on bad days, I can be manipulative and selfish. I want to work on the bad things and bring out more of the good things, just like most other people. And I guess the first step is to be honest.

So you know I'm not dead...

2006-08-04T08:42:00.000-05:00

My grandpa's funeral was three weeks ago today. I'm no longer in mourning...just uneasy and unsettled.

I think about paying back my loan, wonder how the hell am I going to get a job when I apparently suck at that, and kick myself for the corner I drove myself into by being stubborn. I'm seriously close to a meltdown...and I haven't even stepped on the plane for Japan yet. I freak out cause I know this isn't a game anymore. The choices I make now affect the rest of my life...and it freaks me out.

I take on new projects to keep myself busy, but people are busy or distracted themselves (mostly cause it's prime anime convention season...heh) and I can't get much done, so I give up. There's really not much point in it anyway...finally, I see myself not RP'ing forever. I'm considering giving it up now, but I shouldn't make hasty decisions when I'm not myself.

Because this is not me. I don't enjoy having this defeatist attitude, but this isn't grade school anymore. I keep having these big dreams and throwing myself at them, only to have life knock me down with a nice hard slap of reality. I used to believe I could do almost everything I wanted to if I tried hard enough...but as I get older, I find that more and more, my best just isn't good enough. I try to improve myself, but I'm human. I have limits. And as my world gets bigger, I feel those limits coming at me from every side.

I'm tired. I look forward to nothing. I think I've made a big mistake...and at this point, I can't fix it.

Things I Should've Put in My Blog Earlier (but was too lazy to do so...)

2006-07-04T19:06:00.000-05:00

I heard this maybe two weeks ago, but someone kept forgetting to send me the link (ahem): http://www.akintunde.net/MEDIA/IfJesusWasMarried.swf

If Jesus Was Married. I laughed so hard I cried. And I will still say randomly, "Where you been, Jesus?!" and we'll all start cracking up.

Someday I will get a kitten and name it Juicy. No, not because I will want to eat it. To me, Juicy is an endearing nickname. I had a childhood friend named Juicy. But why do I want to name a cat that? Because I will get some kind of sick joy out of screaming, "Juicy" in an exaggerated ghetto accent.

"And then I was- oh, hold on a second... JUUI-SAAAY! Get down from there, Juicy! You gonna fall off there and die!"

"Meow." (Translation: "The only reason I put up with this is because you feed me.")

Saturday I was watching cooking shows. I watched in rapt amazement as they made the perfect white cake with buttercream frosting and raspberry almond filling, scribbled down the web address so I could get the recipe...then thought to myself, "Old people do this...."

........

Oh, and manga is the comic book version of anime (Japanese cartoons). Instead of thin, color volumes like American comic books, they usually come out in graphic novels, which are the size of paperback chapter books and are in black and white, with the occasional color page. Most anime started out as manga, which is a really big deal in Japan (makes up about half of all literature sales). I actually like manga better than anime, I think. :)

Finally, a short story. Kinda dumb, but here you go...

I felt myself rise and fall. The sensation of a trampoline- flying high, then falling back on the springy surface, only to be tossed up again. I remember that feeling when you're tossed really high, higher than you're comfortable with- that scared, breathless moment, then relief as the springs creak under you.

"That's how my life feels right now," I said to Him. "I'm scared, and every once in a while, I feel safe, but I'm tossed right back up again."

In answer, the sensation changed- subtly, but it made all the difference. I was swinging back and forth- that same feeling of weightlessness, helplessness, but I was supported by a strong web of rope. It was a hammock, and I knew it was okay. "Is this what it's really like...?" I murmured, realizing.

I felt Him smile, and this was all He said: "You never left the safety of My arms."

Things that Prove I Have No Life Right Now

2006-06-26T19:31:00.000-05:00

1. I counted my manga collection (dug them up from the grave, under my bed, and other unsavory places). I have 27. $270 worth of pretty pictures.

2. You can no longer speak to me during 2:00 P.M.... because I'm watching the soap operas. All 3 of them that come on in that hour. Simultaneously. And I know what's going on on the other ones too. I can now bond with my grandma by discussing the "stories".

3. I sleep for at least 11 hours. Every day. It's not that I need it, since my biological clock has already adjusted from college all-nighters. It's that by the time 10:00 rolls around, the old people go to sleep and I have to be quiet and there's really nothing to do....but sleep. And in the morning, I can't do anything because my sister sleeps in late, so I have to be quiet and there's nothing to do but...sleep.

4. I noticed that a cloud looked uncannily like a bunny sitting on a throne yesterday.

And now I am sleepy. I went to the library early this morning...checked out two collections of the "sordid" (for that time) thriller novellas Louisa May Alcott (Little Women) did to make her some real cash. They're actually pretty entertaining. You think you know people...

...Yup, my childhood is officially over.