Whoring Myself Out (And no, it's not what you think)

Matt Baker wrote an interesting post (click here to read it) yesterday about how he whores himself out to make money. I told you to get your mind out of the gutter, didn't I? What I mean by this is that at work, Baker often has to smile and act like everything's fine when he feels like crap so he can get good tips. And keep his job. Matt Jones termed this "whoring yourself out".

If that's the case, then I'm the queen of whores. And I did a particularly bang-up job today.

....Okay, that just sounds wrong, so let's shelve the whole whore analogy for a minute. Today I felt like crap. It was mostly due to the fact that I didn't do so well on my Astronomy test, which is dumb because I only made a C and it's not like my class grade and subsequently my GPA is screwed. I just studied really hard for it, but I got to the mathematical questions and I was like, "What the crap is this?!!!" I mean, I already feel like an idiot in that class...

Sigh.

Today was also one of those days I have occasionally when I go completely rocker chick and wear black and have Linkin Park blaring through my iPod all day, so compound this with the crappy grade and you see my state of mind. Unfortunately, instead of being able to shut myself in my room like I usually do when I'm like this, I had band practice today. I have to admit, eating poser Oreos (reduced fat Oreos are just mean) and discussing whether or not I have a telepathic connection with Poddy, which apparently sounds like "potty" and I never noticed, was fun enough. But I still felt off, and I felt really guilty about it because everyone was being so nice. So I whored myself out. I pushed my own feelings aside for the moment and reminded myself that I'm not the only person in the world and grinned and laughed like everything was fine. But it is so wrong how life is sometimes. Matt Callis was talking about all this stuff he has to get done (I can't believe I've named three Matts in this post), and he looked pretty tired, so I really felt like crap, realizing how busy he is. Four blogs I've read today are particularly uplifting. Then I got tested to see if I'm a match for this girl who has leukemia...so I feel pretty much like a bitch, whining about one stupid grade, when I have so much to be thankful for and so many people aren't as well off as I am. I'm trying really hard to will myself to be happy and try not to cry, and I feel so stupid. I don't have any right to be sad or angry about anything. I'm so blessed, and I still find things to complain about. I don't know what my problem is. The least I can do is smile for people and not have them have to worry about me. If someone can see my smile and feel at ease for that one moment, isn't that accomplishing something?