Explanation

I just read over my last post and realized how unbelievably cold I sound. No, I'm not in the habit of cutting off friends completely when we have to part ways for whatever reason. I swear, sometimes I just have a love-hate relationship with certain people in my past. You see, when I was alone and had no friends because I was basically a weirdo in everyone's eyes, these are the people who let me hang out with them. But these are also the people who never let me completely forget that this was mostly their own little mission of mercy and smiled their condescending smiles when I talked about anything I liked that they didn't. "You're so weird, Liza!" was something I heard often, along with the chorus of laughter I never felt like joining in with. I always felt a threat was there beneath the plastic smiles if I didn't do what they wanted... Not our fault you're so strange. Don't forget that we're the only real friends you have... We don't need you. We could kick you to the curb whenever we feel like it, so you'd better be a good little mascot. I feel so guilty and ungrateful whenever I think badly of them, yet I do know exactly how they put my feelings through the blender. And believe me, they knew what they were doing. It was a vicious little clique full of back-stabbing and stupid little mind games, both inside and outside the group. And I still find myself doing the same thing sometimes. I had to learn to play the game to survive...and I learned it too well. It's just this vicious cycle...I'm so sick of it. I don't want to ever come close to the person I almost became because of them again. I'm so tired...I just want to put that whole sordid affair behind me. I think that's why I'm so eager to cut ties.