So you know I'm not dead...

My grandpa's funeral was three weeks ago today. I'm no longer in mourning...just uneasy and unsettled.

I think about paying back my loan, wonder how the hell am I going to get a job when I apparently suck at that, and kick myself for the corner I drove myself into by being stubborn. I'm seriously close to a meltdown...and I haven't even stepped on the plane for Japan yet. I freak out cause I know this isn't a game anymore. The choices I make now affect the rest of my life...and it freaks me out.

I take on new projects to keep myself busy, but people are busy or distracted themselves (mostly cause it's prime anime convention season...heh) and I can't get much done, so I give up. There's really not much point in it anyway...finally, I see myself not RP'ing forever. I'm considering giving it up now, but I shouldn't make hasty decisions when I'm not myself.

Because this is not me. I don't enjoy having this defeatist attitude, but this isn't grade school anymore. I keep having these big dreams and throwing myself at them, only to have life knock me down with a nice hard slap of reality. I used to believe I could do almost everything I wanted to if I tried hard enough...but as I get older, I find that more and more, my best just isn't good enough. I try to improve myself, but I'm human. I have limits. And as my world gets bigger, I feel those limits coming at me from every side.

I'm tired. I look forward to nothing. I think I've made a big mistake...and at this point, I can't fix it.