Fatigue

I had a kinda hard day today...not cause of class, but cause I was a little preoccupied. Lately, when the subject of my dad comes up, it brings up a big fat helping of regret, hopelessness, and uncertainty, and it's an unwelcome bedfellow for at least a day afterwards. It's hard cause I love my dad, and I know my dad loves me, but it's been a while since we've had a prolonged, civil conversation. We've never gotten along very well, and the only way there's been peace in my house is by avoiding conversation (and confrontation) like the plague. My dad is really in-your-face, almost never wavers, which I admire...but consider that he often neglects accompanying his opinions with tact. If you don't have a father like this, then you can't understand what it's like to be his child- doing everything you can to measure up, wanting to be strong too so he can be proud of you, but unfortunately, you've developed a painful shyness that even more unfortunately really grates on his nerves... I don't want to face my father because I get so frustrated at how lightly he treats my emotions, how he just shuts me out when it gets too heavy sometimes, hiding behind the "I'm the parent, you're the child" catchall phrase, but I am also afraid to face him because I feel as though all my shortcomings are painfully obvious in front of him.

...Which is why telling someone they remind me of my dad is something that's really hard to keep from sounding horribly insulting to me- even when I'm the one saying it. Actually, scratch that. Especially when I'm the one saying it. And it seems almost unforgivable when it's to a friend. I admire people who tell it like it is, who always say exactly what they mean so much- but at the same time, I have to stop from running in the opposite direction. I have to stop myself from sticking my daddy baggage on my friendships. These are the people I have to keep from disliking for no reason at all, because these kind of people are my weakness- I know exactly why I hesitate at being friends with them at first. Harsh words from them would probably hurt me more than any from my other friends because I want to get where they are. I really want to. I wish I had the courage to say what I mean. I do think that with that comes the tendency to end up saying things that might have been better left unsaid, but on the other hand, there's so many things that I wished I'd said but didn't, you know? Being with these people can be painful, but I believe it makes me better. They make me want to try a little harder- I appreciate that.

Tomorrow is a new day...I will greet it with hope. But for tonight, if You would please grant me a little bit of peace...

Thanks.