I'm gonna have a good Christmas if it kills me.

I came home (to my parents' house, I mean) to find it already decorated for the holidays. Usually my mom waits until we get out of school so we can help put up decorations, but this year she didn't. I guess cause every year before, I found a way to get out of it.

I'm an idiot. I didn't know what I had. I didn't know what taking out those decorations while the room's filled with Christmas means. I didn't know what putting up the tree meant, where all the ornaments that aren't balls each have a story and a meaning.

My cousin (she's nine, lives down the road, is tutored by my mother, and is trying to usurp my youngest-child status. But she will not prevail because I am far more charming...ahem. Digressing...) helped my mom put up the tree. And had the nerve to pick at my homemade Santa ornament. Just cause it doesn't have a beard...and crooked, misshapen eyes...actually, besides the hat, you can't really tell it's Santa...

...I was in first grade. Leave me alone.

There's a nativity in the living room. Well, actually, there's... *goes to count* *comes back* ...seven nativities. Apparently, when you don't know what to get the pastor for Christmas, you go with a nativity. They're really nice ones, though- glass ones, ceramic ones, some that are stuck together, some that are a lot of little pieces. There's only one that my parents actually bought, and it's my favorite one. That is the subject of this paragraph (finally). My dad bought it for my mom for Christmas one year before Jennifer and I were born. It's a wooden stable with ceramic figurines, and all the people are children and all the animals are babies. The design is kind of Precious Moments-esque. But the thing I love most about it is that the stable's actually a music box. It plays "Silent Night" in dinky, music-box notes. I wasn't allowed to touch the nativity until we were old enough to not break stuff, but I would beg Mom to wind up the music box, and I would sit there and stare at the gentle faces and the baby lying in the manger, entranced.

I came home today and sat on the floor, and I stared at that nativity. I wound up the box, and the gentle strains of "Silent Night" reached my ears.

...And I began to weep.

All I could think was, "Man...how could this have happened?" Usually I'm in a wonderful mood when Christmas comes around. From about my birthday until the actual day, I'm stupid-giddy and happy. Peace reaches me. It seems as though even this crazy world pauses for just a moment to acknowledge the best thing that ever happened to it. I have to admit, spending the beginning of last year's Christmas season in Japan really made me think. I'm not sure what it was, but it was a totally different feeling celebrating Christmas there than here in America. It's weird, but when I got back to the Detroit airport and that waitress in Chili's told me Merry Christmas, it was like it finally had meaning. Yeah, Christmas definitely isn't what it should be here, but honestly, we don't know how good we have it. I was really excited about Christmas this year because I thought I'd be able to appreciate it more. But, hard as I've tried, it just hasn't been that way for me this year. There are people close to me who just flat-out can't get into the Christmas spirit. It's affected me. I've come out of the semester of hell. I am terrified of what my future holds in general. People are moving on from my life, which is always hard, but often necessary. Other relationships have taken all the patience and humility I have to keep working on them and not just throw it all away. I am so tired. I went through exams like a zombie. I didn't even have the energy to worry as much as I normally do, although I probably should have.

I mean, yeah, Christmas is overcommercialized. It seems like Christmas decorations are coming out earlier and earlier, when Halloween isn't even over yet. It's ridiculous. In a season of giving, selfish people can utterly ruin Christmas for other people. But it SHOULDN'T MATTER. JESUS WAS BORN ON CHRISTMAS.

No, seriously. You just read that and said to yourself, "Oh, okay." Read it again. Think about exactly what that simple statement entails. My savior, the one who'll be there for me when everyone else lets me down, came to the world to put into motion a lavish gift I most certainly don't deserve. Can't I just let go of all the crap in my life for just a little while and celebrate that, even if I'm alone in doing it? I'm not going to sit here and be self-righteous- I hate that people cheapen it or just give up on it, but I'm also disappointed in myself because I'm giving up, when I, as a Christian, certainly have reason to be glad, no matter what's going on in my life right now. Why do I let things that don't even matter get in the way of my joy...? I know God is out there. I know peace is out there- not just at Christmas, but always. But this is a special time. What better time than now to quiet myself for once and wait for Him...to just sit and be grateful?

Please...if you see someone singing some really corny Christmas song, or happily going about their Christmas shopping or making Christmas-related food with a goofy smile on their face...let them be glad. If they say, "Man, I really love Christmas", don't take that from them. Honestly, in the end, Christmas is what you make of it. You want an authentic, heartfelt Christmas? Then you make it that way. If you have to, forget everyone else around you. Then, I promise...even if circumstances suck, it'll still be a wonderful one.

That's what I'm going to do. This Christmas, it's gonna be me celebrating his birth in my own way- behind all the dusted-off Christmas music, tinsel, and glitter, that's all it is. For me, it's remembering what I have- the Christmases that were good, the memories I've made with friends and family. It's doing corny stuff with my family, not cause it's fun (heck, no), but because I need to be with them while I can, cause I have no idea where I'll be next year or if I'll even be able to come home. Because, even though they get on my nerves...I love them. It's getting back to my roots as a person, reaching out to the One who loves me and understands me more than any person ever will and listening for a change.

People can't take the power out of Christmas. It's still there. Whether you open your eyes and receive it is up to you.

(...Wow, that's a lot. Honestly, I don't expect anybody to read all of that...I really need to blog more often so this doesn't happen again.)