I hate goodbyes.

I wake up in the morning. I feel like something's not quite right. Then I realize...it's quiet. No birds, but also no sounds of construction, no loud yells across the parking lot, nothing. It makes my heart catch in my throat. I can feel things coming to a quiet denouement. I have no words, although there's a lot of things that should be said that will be left unsaid anyway. I...I really am sorry for that. When it came down to it, I just...

I couldn't. I said goodbye like I always do, like I'll be here next time, when I know I won't. My 'next time' will be a long time from now...if it ever comes. I know myself, so just take my word for it...no matter what, even if you can't see me or hear from me, I haven't forgotten you. I couldn't. I won't. I swear it.

I feel like a lifetime has passed between my graduation from high school and now, approaching my college graduation a lot faster than I'd like. It's only been four years, but I feel like almost a completely different person. A lot of things have happened...

Love, heartbreak.

Thankfulness, regret.

A spike in self-confidence and decisiveness...and a growing fear of the unknown.

Things I've learned:

You should have at least one thing you believe in no matter what. But there's also a lot of things you're probably mistaken about.

True good exists in this world- sometimes even in the places you thought were completely God-forsaken.

Both friends and family are precious things to have. Love them while they're still next to you, and even though you know they'll stick by you no matter what, don't take them for granted. We're all human.

There's a reason God made you the way you are- and if you would just stop listening to everyone else and just be that person, I guarantee that someone, somewhere will adore you just the way you are. Being able to really look yourself in the eye in the mirror in the morning and accept and love what's there...it's a nice feeling. More than ever now, I believe each of us has something that someone else just happens to be needing. Who knows, it may be the very thing you're hiding.

The older I get, the less things make sense, the harder things get...and yet, the more I want to live on, if only to see things through to the end.

Because honestly, if I had to do it all over again, I'd still go through all the tears and dark places if my reward was all the people who've touched me, the places I've seen, and the little things that have made me smile.

And that's why I keep getting up in the morning- even when it seems there's like nothing but clawing upwards for some time up ahead.

So goodbye, one part of life. Hello, scary-as-hell part 2- I'm not ready at all, but I'm not going to run away from you. To those who've I've spent time with here...thank you. I really did cherish the times we had together, and I won't forget the things you taught me, even if you weren't trying.

...I really hate goodbyes.