Sometimes blueberry is better than chocolate...

As some of you know, I'm prone to the slippery slope way of thinking when I get in a bad mood. "This bad thing happened, and now what if this bad thing happens? Then this'll happen and this'll happen and this'll happen and then I'll just die."

Exaggerated, but not by much. :D

Anyway, I've come from my first two exams with apprehension. I have no idea if I made the 79 on the Accounting final that I needed to make a B in the class, and today I came back from my Business Law exam certain that I did not make the 90 I needed to make an A in that class...and I was banking on that A to help pull my GPA up too. But that all depends on the curve, so there may still be some hope. Anyway, I'm already in a slightly tense mood, but I'm holding it together, trying to be cheerful. Then I go to Jazzman's Cafe and order a chocolate muffin. It's not until I'm outside that I look in my bag and realize it's a blueberry muffin.

All good vibes went out the window. "My life sucks..." Fwump.

In hindsight, I was just being silly. I have nothing against blueberry muffins. In fact, I love blueberry muffins. They're my second favorite and on some days my favorite kind of muffin.

Just bear with me. I know this is descending into rambling, but I am going somewhere with this, I promise.

My brain started racing as to what to do with it. Throw it away? Give it away? Just eat it, even though this is not what I had wanted? All I knew is I didn't want to see it anymore, but I didn't want to do something silly in the heat of the moment.

"What am I going to do, God?"

It just popped out all of a sudden. And I knew and He knew that it wasn't just about the muffin. What am I going to do when my grades come back even worse than last semester, which were worse than the semester before? What if I can't come up with a 3.0 and lose some of my scholarships? How am I going to face my mom and dad, who are so proud of me and talk about how smart Jennifer and I am are the time?

I clutched the paper bag the muffin was in tighter, suddenly feeling really stupid... About the grades that aren't supposed to matter but do. About being stuck with this blueberry muffin.

Then the weirdest thought came to me as I gazed at the paper bag. This is my life. I came to the spring semester of my senior year of high school certain of the chocolate muffin I was going to receive: I was going to pursue my music and make good grades and have lots of great new friends and find the love of my life and finally be happy... I could finally leave all the heartache behind.

Then March comes, and God plops a blueberry muffin right in my lap. Nine months later, I'm a business major at a college I don't want to be at, totally directionless and frankly, sullen. Nothing was the way I had planned it. Everything was wrong. I still smiled and was friendly when people talked to me, but inside I was convinced that these were going to be the worst four years of my life. And my blueberry muffin stayed in its little brown bag.

When I finally did get the courage to open it and start to really live my new life, I was surprised at what I found. A stronger relationship with God (which I was not expecting at all when I first got here), wonderful friends, so many horizons and opportunities... I never thought I could learn Japanese formally, much less actually go to Japan. I never thought I could find real friends who love me for who I am, even though I'm still very much a work in progress. I never thought I'd be able to love God the way I did before, but now I do and then some. I came to find that I love blueberry a lot more than chocolate. Even with my falling grades, I'm learning to be humble and real and not live on pretense. Everything that has been a source of pride for me has now officially been broken. For that, I'm thankful.

So today, I sincerely thanked God for my figurative blueberry muffin...even though some parts have been tough to get through. And as for the real blueberry muffin? I ate it.

And in hindsight, it was better than the chocolate would've been. Who knew. :)