You are the one that I run to...now, when I'm at the end of my rope, scared. I'm like a child who's awakened from a nightmare and calling out in the night for her mother. The world is large and uncertain, and I need to know you're there. ...Why does it take bad things happening for me to run to you like I should every day? Cause once I'm here with you, I wonder why I ever left, and my heart breaks because I can feel how much you love me and I know I haven't been giving you my whole heart, when it's the least I can do... Instead, I'm willful and I'm selfish, and the promises I make to you float away on the wind. I said I'd try to fix things with my dad, and instead I let my anger burn against for him for days... You called out to me during those days, and I wished I could say I ignored you. No, I did something even worse...I pushed you away. I railed at you for getting my hopes up and then letting me fall crashing to the ground. It proves after all this time, and all those empty promises, I still don't trust you completely. Oh, God...what have I been doing all this time? I don't want a yo-yo relationship with you...I can't take it. You're the only one I can be my true, honest, naked self with...there's probably no one I could trust myself more with than you. I want to be closer than you now because I'm scared...but I want to be closer and closer with you when I'm not scared and when everything's going great. I know I'll end up grieving you for many lesser things in the course of my life, so I don't want to grieve you any more because of trust issues. I wish there was a button I could push so I could just trust you immediately, but there's not...so I'm going to have to work at it. Even when you seem far away, even when I don't feel like it...let me run after you and have a faith in you that cannot be broken by anything.
In short...I'm tired of running. And I'm tired of playing games. Please help me, God...show me the way to true repentance. No more lip service.
Amen.
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