Yes, I know I suck...

...Seriously, I meant to post weeks ago.

Really, I did....

Anyway, I have a new job, but it doesn't pay. After three years of membership, I have been made a moderator of one of the message boards I frequent, of the RPG sections (role-playing game, not rocket-powered grenade :D ). These RPGs are literary RPGs, where a bunch of players basically write one big story together by writing for one or more characters. I really love to write, so it's a pleasant diversion. So now I get to do that and blow the whistle if there's too much sexin'...I kid you not. That was one of the reasons I was made moderator....there was too much sexin' going on.

Anyway, because of that, I've been neglecting this poor blog. My sister said to me wistfully this morning, "Well, I'm glad you like your job..."

"At least your job pays," I replied immediately.

"Prostitutes get money too."

"....Oh, you know that's going in my blog."

Yes...thank Jennifer, everyone. She cured my writer's block. :D

I've been preoccupied lately...I haven't been sleeping well. Ever since I was little, I've had this recurring dream...the settings change, but it's always my dad or sister yelling at me and not letting me get a word in at all. What never changes is the faces twisted in anger, the feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, helplessness... They always really affect me...I'm mopey the whole next day. It's bad this time because I've had this dream two nights in a row. Last night I dreamed I ran into the woods just to get away from my dad, and all I can remember is standing there, cornered and nowhere to go, scratched up and staring at my dad's angry face and feeling completely devoid of all hope, knowing that I'm a complete failure in his eyes.

I know it's not true. I know my dad loves me. But I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be good enough for him to praise me unconditionally, not like "You did good, but..." It seems like once I get one thing down, there's something else I have to do. But my whole life's like that. I'm always wondering when I'll reach the top...if I'll reach the top. And all I can do is hope for that day and push myself as hard as I can.