I hate goodbyes.

I wake up in the morning. I feel like something's not quite right. Then I realize...it's quiet. No birds, but also no sounds of construction, no loud yells across the parking lot, nothing. It makes my heart catch in my throat. I can feel things coming to a quiet denouement. I have no words, although there's a lot of things that should be said that will be left unsaid anyway. I...I really am sorry for that. When it came down to it, I just...

I couldn't. I said goodbye like I always do, like I'll be here next time, when I know I won't. My 'next time' will be a long time from now...if it ever comes. I know myself, so just take my word for it...no matter what, even if you can't see me or hear from me, I haven't forgotten you. I couldn't. I won't. I swear it.

I feel like a lifetime has passed between my graduation from high school and now, approaching my college graduation a lot faster than I'd like. It's only been four years, but I feel like almost a completely different person. A lot of things have happened...

Love, heartbreak.

Thankfulness, regret.

A spike in self-confidence and decisiveness...and a growing fear of the unknown.

Things I've learned:

You should have at least one thing you believe in no matter what. But there's also a lot of things you're probably mistaken about.

True good exists in this world- sometimes even in the places you thought were completely God-forsaken.

Both friends and family are precious things to have. Love them while they're still next to you, and even though you know they'll stick by you no matter what, don't take them for granted. We're all human.

There's a reason God made you the way you are- and if you would just stop listening to everyone else and just be that person, I guarantee that someone, somewhere will adore you just the way you are. Being able to really look yourself in the eye in the mirror in the morning and accept and love what's there...it's a nice feeling. More than ever now, I believe each of us has something that someone else just happens to be needing. Who knows, it may be the very thing you're hiding.

The older I get, the less things make sense, the harder things get...and yet, the more I want to live on, if only to see things through to the end.

Because honestly, if I had to do it all over again, I'd still go through all the tears and dark places if my reward was all the people who've touched me, the places I've seen, and the little things that have made me smile.

And that's why I keep getting up in the morning- even when it seems there's like nothing but clawing upwards for some time up ahead.

So goodbye, one part of life. Hello, scary-as-hell part 2- I'm not ready at all, but I'm not going to run away from you. To those who've I've spent time with here...thank you. I really did cherish the times we had together, and I won't forget the things you taught me, even if you weren't trying.

...I really hate goodbyes.

OMGNOWAISRSLY.

Just cause I wanted that title.

And that picture.

...I'm realizing how much chatspeak I actually know. It's kinda sad. But the hamster makes everything better. (As far as I know, this isn't Photoshopped or anything- except for the bold text ridiculosity at the bottom, of course.

...Yes, I know ridiculosity isn't a word.

...Wait, yes it is. Cause I made it. So it's a word. Because I said so. Ahem, digressing...)

Obviously, I'm doing better now. For those of you who hung out with me and helped me out lately, honestly, thank you. It was hard to show it, but your prayers and kind words were comforting. You really helped me out.

I'm not gonna lie...

I'm not in a good place right now. It's rough.

...I'm probably not as good or successful a person as you think I am. That nauseates me and breaks my heart all at once. I'm too worried about being a waste of space to even think about enjoying life right now. I know it's wrong. I know perfectly well it's a slap in the face to my Creator.

...But to be perfectly honest, I can feel a question bubbling up from the root of me, getting louder and louder and chipping away at me- Why was I born? Of course I know the Sunday School (and correct) answer- to praise God. If only that was all I had to worry about. But let's be honest- do you think that's going to mean anything to the bill collectors or people who see someone who's not doing anything with her life (dear God, I'd do anything to have it not come to that)? I have responsibilities. I know I do. I can't handle this. I feel myself unraveling. Every low point is worse than the one before it. I'm starting to scare myself. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to answer any more questions. But...it sucks being by myself, too.

...I...I really don't know what to do this time.

the sky far beyond my outstretched fingertips...

Even though I grew up in a really small place and haven't gone outside the southeastern US besides that semester in Japan, I've felt really aware of the world around me lately. I feel like I've been talking too much about Japan lately too...sorry about that. I'm not sure why that place intrigues me so much. I think it's the politeness intertwined with the language, how easier it is to express emotion in Japanese, the offbeat humor...

...It's definitely not the food, I know that much. To be honest, to me, most of it is just okay or makes me go "eww...."

I'd really like to travel the world someday. I want to go to Europe, Australia, Peru, maybe South Africa...I think it'd be cool if I could say someday, "I've been to every continent." But seeing as how that would require a lot of money...that may not happen. But maybe I can go to one or two of those places before I die. I hope so.

I would like to learn more languages too- maybe dust off my Spanish, Arabic, French...Swahili, maybe? First, though, I want to get fluent in Japanese. I think it'd be nice to sit down with a person from a different culture and talk about our different lives in that person's native language. I want to be able to share stories without a language barrier- that's one of my lifetime goals, I believe.

I want a goal to work toward. I want to do my best, even if I sweat and bleed, to work towards something with all I have for something that I want with all my heart. Even if I never actually make it, if I see myself getting closer, won't that be fulfilling somehow...?

...I want to start cooking again. I want to learn new dishes and stand over a hot stove and proudly display the fruits of my labor. I kinda miss it.

I keep telling my sister I'll take her to Japan with me next time I go, and I'll translate. I think that would be fun. But I think I'd really just like to go to a foreign country with her someday...hopefully we'll have matured enough to not kill each other because we'd be spending so much time together.

Honestly...I really want to grow out of that.

You never stop learning....

Today I learned a new chat acronym. I encourage everyone to pick it up.

GDIAF...go die in a fire.

Me likey.

This probably made a lot more sense in my head...

Last night, I was with my friends. I thought about how much some of them had grown, and how I want to tell some of them how much they mean to me before I have to move on. I got that dopey, misty smile I hate. Also, I have never heard a car referred to as a metal...

Ah, yappari I can't say it. I just think of my poor mother reading this blog. Or my dad...

I woke up at...6 this morning. I didn't actually get out of bed until 7. I think...I would like to have a reason to want to jump out of bed and just get started like I used to. It's kind of sad.


When I wake up, I stay in bed and think about a TV show I saw the day before. I go over the funny or sweet parts in my head and smile. I think, "Oh, it would be nice if..." and things like that. I really don't want to leave that place, so I never really want to get out of bed. Between waking up and leaving the house, it takes anywhere from 2 to 4 hours, depending on how much I procrastinate, which is a lot lately. I think I'm really jittery about graduating and everything.

I have become obsessed with Japanese boy bands. Have I mentioned that? Cause it's probably worse now than it was before. Far worse. I really don't understand how I, who cringes every time she hears a sour note of any kind, can listen to often mediocre or close to tone-deaf singing all the time.

...Yes, I do. I totally sold out my musical dignity for pretty faces and shiny, flaily...I don't know what to call it. It's past metrosexual and like 2 feet from gay...although the fangirls want to believe otherwise. (Although...working with nothing but guys all the time...at least one of them's got to be...)

Those danged songs get stuck in your HEAD. Ask my sister. I showed her one performance once online, and by the time I left her house, she was singing the chorus.

Once is all it takes. I swear, if they could tweak their marketing strategy, Johnny's Entertainment could take over the world.

...That's kinda scary to me.

I played laser tag for Valentine's. It was a lot more fun than I thought it'd be...even though I suck. Laser tag is best when everyone's ridiculously hardcore.

When I think about my friends and family, I feel happy. I feel really blessed, and life doesn't seem so scary anymore.

I'm really frustrated about my future. I seem to have no drive. I feel as though the thing I want the most is impossible, but it's all that I can see. I wonder if I've already given up...at least partially.

I got really sad when I found myself at the end of a dream. I sat on the floor and cried. Then I kept crying on and off for days. But now, I'm at peace with it. I think I'm the happiest I've been since that dream began, because it tore me up inside. I don't regret it, though. I think having that experience made me a stronger person.

Last night, I burst out laughing at SNS. I tried to hold it in. ...To tell you the truth, that was really embarrassing for me.

There's a person that I really look up to. He's always working hard, and just when I think I know his limits, he pushes them even further. When I look at him, I think, "Surely if I could be that dedicated, then..." I'd like to always be suprising people too.

I keep sleeping weird. I'll wake up, and my hip'll be really sore, like I wrenched it out of place. Maybe I should stop sleeping on my side...but it's never given me problems before.

Ah, well...not like I want to get out of bed anyways.

Life is short.

Far too short for...

regrets.

grudges.

hiding yourself away.

for...not living.